


Three Day Weekend

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, But mostly angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Never mind it's not fluff anymore, this escalated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:49:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6215083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn drinks beer while Poe fixes the A-wing. They do this because they are two heterosexual bros, and heterosexual bros fix shit and drink together. Because they are not gay. Especially not for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Repairs

"Pass me the Guass, would you?"

"This one?"

"That's a Harris."

"This?"

"Getting warmer..."

Finn pulled the last wrench out of the repair kit and held it out to Poe, who poked his head out of the A-wing's engine and grinned. "Bingo." Finn slid it over to him and peeked at the mess of wires and switches, trying to make sense of it.

"What're you working on?" he asked, bracing himself for a mystifying, technical answer. Poe rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged.

"Busted stabilizer. Switched the ion flux one out for a phi-inverted lateral a couple years back and it must've put too much strain on the hyperdrive motivator. If I can lock it down..." Finn shook his head and laughed.

"You lost me at stabilizer." he admitted. Poe snorted and Finn grinned, leaning back against the cockpit. "This is why I need a pilot.”

“You’re lucky you have me, then.” He worked off another screw and a blossom of smoke erupted from the engine. “Shit.”

Poe had been fiddling with his mom's old starfighter since Finn had wandered into the garage at ten in the morning, after a sleepless night adjusting to the time difference between Yavin 4 and D'Qar. He wasn't quite sure what the difference actually was, but at one in the morning he'd been buzzing. They'd wasted a good half of the day just chatting or sitting in comfortable silence, Finn dozing off against the sun-warmed windshield, now and again sneaking a swig of Poe's beer.

Beer was disgusting, by the way. Complete waste of credits. Finn did not recommend it.

He took another sip and bit back a cough. If it was an acquired taste, as Poe had said, Finn didn't want to know how long the whole "acquiring" part took. He glanced over at the six-pack of the stuff sitting beside him and pulled a face. How the hell Poe had managed to down half of it was beyond him. Poe saw his expression and laughed.

"Why are you drinking it again? It won't taste any different from the one you tried earlier." Finn handed over the bottle and Poe accepted graciously, jumping on the chance for a quick break.

"How d'you stand the stuff?" Poe shrugged and tipped it back, draining the bottle in a matter of seconds.

"Believe me, you learn to." He rubbed the chipping paint on the A-wing's engine and grinned. "She taught me."

“I thought you could fly anything, flyboy.” Finn teased.

“Flying’s no problem. But getting her off the ground…” He dislodged a burnt out microchip from a jumble of wires and blinked at it as though he wasn’t sure what it was. “Takes a little more effort than that, especially with this bitch.” He set the chip aside and scowled at the engine. "I mean I'm okay with most Novaldex engines, but it's like they were trying to blow up as many pilots as possible with the J-77 unit. Even with the thrust-vector controls installed..."

Finn grinned, letting Poe babble on. They both knew that he wasn’t listening, but neither was bothered by it. Poe liked to talk, and Finn liked to hear, made a pretty great combo. Usually the tech-talk wasn’t quite as one-sided as this though; Something must be missing. A whirring, beeping something.

“Where's BB-8?"

”Oh, I was wondering about that.” Poe threw a glance around the room and shrugged. ”Probably rolling around in a field somewhere. He'll find his way back eventually. He's not a fan of the A-wing. Doesn't need an astromech so he feels like I've abandoned him." A generator plug sparked and Poe cussed, pulling his hand out of the miniature fireworks display. He patted at the smoking hole in his sleeve and groaned. ”Well, it's not that it doesn't need one, actually. It just doesn't have one."

He shed his smouldering sweater and went back to fiddling with the engine, humming to himself. Finn tried to avoid looking at Poe's bare shoulders, well-muscled and shiny with sweat as they were. Talk about distracting. It was like the man was trying to make things hard for Finn.

He wasn't going to pretend that Poe wasn’t attractive, or that there had never been any flirting. He saw that lip bite. He knew what was going on. But so long as he stayed quiet about it, he should be fine. At least that had worked when he was with the Order.

He sighed and glanced out of the glass ceiling, squinting in the sunlight. The canopy above him shifted and he caught a glimpse of smooth grey concrete and winking glass.

"Who lives there?" he asked. Poe straightened up, a bolt between his teeth. He spat that out and nudged the wrench back over to Finn.

"No one now. Used to be a friend of mine. He left, though." He hadn't even turned around and he knew what Finn had been pointing out. He must know this place like the back of his hand.

"Oh." Finn tossed the wrench back into the toolbox sitting between them. "Anyone else around here?"

"Nah. Other side of the hill there's a pretty big colony, but things have stayed pretty quiet on our end." He slammed the hood shut and gave the starfighter an affectionate little pat. "That should do it. She'll be ready to fly for tomorrow." He smirked at Finn, swinging back and forth on his stepladder like a kid on a jungle gym. "I could give you lessons, if you want. Get some flying in before we go."

"I can't learn how to fly in three days."

"Hey, you're bright. You'll get it. Besides, there's nothing to it." He hopped up onto the wing and climbed into the cockpit. "You just flip a lot of switches and pray to the powers that be."

"We'll get as far as how to remove the parking brake and then we'll run out of time." Finn insisted. He sat on the edge of the cockpit and leaned in, taking in all the buttons and flashing screens and rows of switches. “Face it Poe: not gonna happen.”

"Have a little bit of faith, would you?" He rested his elbow on Finn's knee and tapped on the "check engine" light, which was still blinking red. "But just in case you are right, I've got an idea. Starting now we'll save up our vacation days, you and me. We'll wait until we've got a couple months worth stashed up. Then I'm bringing you back here for the summer." Finn's face brightened and Poe grinned. "Deal?"

"Deal. Think I'll be as good as you by the end of it?" Poe laughed and clambered out of the cockpit.

"If my teaching skills are as good as my piloting, then probably." He grabbed the toolbox and the case of beer, sliding nimbly off of the wing. “Okay, I'm done for the day. How about lunch?”

“I think dinner’s closer.”

"Really?" Poe blinked at the setting sun through the window and laughed nervously. "Oh, sorry about that."

"I don't mind." Finn assured him.

They rolled up the garage's bay door, letting in the breeze and the leaves that had been blown against the building. Yavin 4 was one of the greenest places Finn had ever seen, especially Poe's dad’s house, tucked away in a quiet little valley. Everything smelled like earth and green and warm stone. It was in the air; If you closed your eyes and covered your ears you'd still be able to tell that you were standing in the middle of a forest. They clattered down a narrow stone trail that led to the house, still chattering like a couple of school kids.

Finn was happy, happier than he'd been since he'd woken up from a coma three months ago, since before that, even. It was kind of overwhelming; he had woken up a full-fledged member of the Resistance, obligations, meetings, the whole shebang. Then the first weekend that Finn had off Poe cashed in three of his vacation days and offered to bring Finn back home with him, saying that free time on base wasn't really free time at all. Finn had taken his word for it and accepted. Now, stomping through the forest with Poe whistling beside him, he was more then glad that he had.

They came to a fork in the path and Poe nudged Finn in the ribs, getting him to stop. “Mind if we take a detour?” he asked, casually enough. Finn nodded and set down the toolbox, stretching out the kink in his shoulders.

“Where to?”

“Saying hi to mom, I guess. The trail’s really pretty, if you want to tag along. I wouldn’t mind the company.”

He's nervous, Finn realized, The guy doesn't want to be alone.

"Lead the way."

After bushwhacking for a little while they emerged into a perfectly circular glade with a tree in the very middle, and at its base there was a smooth little plaque, the engraving long faded. Poe crouched and trailed his fingers over what remained of the words and numbers, a sad little smile on his face. Finn leaned against the tree, not sure whether or not he should intrude. But just when the silence began to get heavy Poe piped up.

“She taught me how to fly the A-wing. It was hers, back in the day. Flew it at Endor. She worked with Luke, now that I’m thinking about it. Should’ve asked Rey to ask him about her.”

"We'll call her when we get back." Finn said vaguely. He had his eyes glued to the tree, his expression sort of mystified. He wasn't sure if it was a trick of the light or what, but the tree seemed to be glowing blue, like an aura or something.

"Neat, isn't it?" Poe wiped off his knees and stood, grinning at Finn. "It's force sensitive. You wouldn't believe the trouble mom went through getting that thing back here."

"What does it do?" Finn asked.

"Honestly? I have no fucking clue. But it's nice, isn't it? It's been here since I was a kid." He pointed out a nick in the bark and smirked, like he was remembering something. “That’s on me. Crashed the A-wing into it when I was a kid. Parents came running, thought they'd find kindling and scrap metal and dead son.” His voice caught a little and he shook his head, trying to pass it off as a cough. "But we were all fine. Bet the tree had a hand in that. Or a branch, I guess..."

Finn looked at Poe, who was chewing on his lip, his fists shoved into his pockets and arms pressed to his sides. Without thinking he wrapped his arms around him and squeezed, resting his cheek on Poe's shoulder.

"I guess I owe the tree a thank you." he mumbled into Poe's neck. "Who knows where I'd be now if you'd gotten fried back then." Finn felt something dripping on the top of his head, heard a shuddering breath that tried to be a laugh.

"Thanks, Finn." Poe managed, his voice cracking. Finn nodded and closed his eyes, letting Poe bury his face in the crook of his neck.

They stood there for awhile longer, listening to the birds and the tree rustling gently in the breeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, heterosexual.


	2. Flight Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Search up "The Measure Of Things, Oscar Isaac"
> 
> Trust me.

Finn stepped out of the guest room and peeked around the corner, rubbing his eyes. The clock staring at him from the opposite wall was flashing twelve in the afternoon. Apparently he had successfully adjusted to the time change.

He stumbled blearily down the hall, wondering vaguely about whatever happened to cross his mind. How BB-8 dealt with stairs, for example, that was troubling him. Music was playing downstairs in the kitchen and he hummed along, mouthing words as they came to him. When it hit the chorus for the second time he sang along with a bit more confidence. 

_And we could make it right_

_We'd save our souls tonight_

_And with a word I'd take back all the shit I've done..._

When Finn was halfway down the stairs the music stopped and he peeked around the corner, wondering who had turned it off. It turned out to be Poe, looking especially dignified in boxers and a t-shirt and with his hair rumpled from sleep. He was dancing around the kitchen, BB-8 beeping at his heels. Finn was about to say something when Poe started up the song again, his voice warm and clear.

_And if you think it's fine_

_Will you lay your head next to mine_

_And breathe out the sickness trapped inside your lungs_

Finn took a few steps back and sat down on the landing, resting his chin in his hand. Maybe he wouldn't announce himself just yet.

Poe sang like a bird, confident as only a guy in his pyjamas who thinks he's alone can be. Finn closed his eyes, letting Poe's voice wash over him. It was a good voice, the kind you wanted to float away with, the kind that blew a gust of wind through a stuffy room. The kind of voice Finn really wouldn't mind waking up to every day for the rest of his life. 

"Aren't you going to say good morning to your boyfriend?"

Finn whirled around to see Poe's dad leaning against the banister. Kes Dameron was an older guy, edging towards seventy. Finn thought of him as the taller, more weatherbeaten version of Poe. They had met only briefly the day before, when he and Poe had been sitting together on the couch, arguing over which holofilm they were going to watch. Finn saw how that could have been misread. He cleared his throat and shook his head, letting out a nervous laugh.

"Actually, we're not..." Kes waved his hand dismissively and shuffled around Finn, grabbing his keys from the table by the door.

"Sure, kid." 

"Dad? You going into town?" Poe called out from the kitchen. "Could you pick up some power converters while you're there?"

"You and your boyfriend can get them later."

"We're not dating, dad." 

When he heard that Finn's face flushed and he looked down. He didn't know why, but hearing Poe say that, something that was completely true, that they both knew, that he had literally just said himself, it bothered him more than he cared to admit. He shook his head and pushed the feeling aside, not wanting to dwell on it.

Besides, Poe had started singing again, a different verse of what sounded like the same song. Finn closed his eyes and relaxed into the words.

_Oh lover with world aflame_

_This winter's freezin' up your charms..._

He waited until he heard the sound of a revving engine outside before jumping up and running into the kitchen. Poe heard him coming and looked up from his breakfast, grinning.

"Good morning." he sang out, spinning around on his barstool. Finn sat down and glanced at what Poe was eating. "What?"

"I didn't know you could cook." Poe kicked Finn in the knee and took another bite out of his energy bar.  

"Don't judge me." He dug another bar out of the box sitting beside him and tossed it to Finn. "Like you're any better." Finn tore the silvery foil wrapper with his teeth and put his feet up on Poe's chair, pushing him back and forth.

"Hey, this one time I combined two ration packs to make a mega ration. That counts as cooking." Poe snorted and ran a hand through his hair, trying unsuccessfully to flatten out the unruly curls. "Tasted like shit, but at least I tried."

"Whatever you say." Poe balled up his wrapper and tossed it in the general direction of the bin, pulling a face when he missed. "So what's the schedule?"

"Is the A-wing fixed?" 

"Let's find out."

 ----

It turns out that Finn had been right, they'd need way more than three days to get this whole flying thing down.

They had been at it for ages, Finn fumbling with controls and Poe trying to guide him without much success. This had really been a journey in self discovery for Finn. His strengths and weaknesses had never been clearer. Effectively use every weapon in the galaxy: no sweat. Turn off the windshield wipers when he flips the switch with his elbow: good fucking luck.

And Poe wasn't much help. He was sitting beside Finn on the wing, gnawing on his eighth apple core. Over the past several hours a small pile of apple seeds had grown on the floor behind him. He looked amused, the bastard.

When he finally managed to shut off the wipers Finn groaned and leaned back in the worn seat, bringing his hands to his face. "You need a break." Poe decided.

"I think so." Finn yawned and rubbed his eyes, blinking at the dashboard. A picture was tucked in the corner of the windshield, faded and bent but in better condition than anything its age should be. Poe caught his gaze and grinned, handing it over to Finn.

"Guess which one's me."

A woman with familiar curly hair, a Kes who could have passed himself off as Poe, and a bouncing baby were all smiling at Finn from the washed-out polaroid. He noticed that Kes was wearing the Alliance patch on his sleeve. 

"He was with the Rebels?"

"Both of 'em. I take after mom; She was a pilot. Hence all this." Poe waved vaguely around them, indicating the ship and possibly himself. "She would've loved you."

"That a fact?" Finn looked back at the photograph, Poe's words buzzing in his head.

_She would've loved you. I take after her._

_I take after her, she could've loved you._

_Maybe I could love you._

"You okay, buddy?" Poe asked. Finn shook his head, then changed his mind and nodded, then evened it all out with a shrug. 

"Yeah, just tired." 

"Don't gimme that." He poked Finn in the neck and smiled. "Something's bothering you."  

"Well..." He didn't want to lie, and besides, Poe would be able to tell, would see straight through him, would probably figure this out sooner or later anyways. Heck, he might already know. He sighed and looked up at Poe, trying to keep the terrified look off of his face. 

"Promise not to freak out." he said sternly. Poe raised an eyebrow, grinning. "Promise?"

Poe raised his right hand and rested the other over his heart in mock seriousness. "And hope to die. So what's this about?" Before he could lose his nerve, but after fear had started to churn in his gut, Finn bolted upright and pressed his lips to Poe's, his eyes screwed shut and his fists clenched.

It was great for about a second. Then when he pulled back the regret kicked in. Poe's reaction just about smashed his heart in two. Or maybe lack of reaction was a better way to put it. His features had frozen into a mask, like he was still trying to figure out what had just happened. He hadn't seen that coming, looked like the thought had never crossed his mind.  

"Finn..." he sputtered.

Finn didn't let him finish. Without a word he was out of the ship and halfway up the hill, desperate to get as far away from that garage as possible.

He scrambled through the underbrush, nicks and scratches stinging his face and arms. He barely felt it, having other things on his mind. Plans and preparations clattered around in his head, getting more nonsensical the farther he ran. He'd steal the A-wing and fly away. No, he'd live out the rest of his life as a hermit in these woods. Actually, he'd go into town, buy a fake beard, and change his name to Olfgan Hizzuk, a scavenger who took the wrong freighter.

Finally he settled on a pretty reasonable idea. He'd get in touch with that pirate he'd met on Takodana, what was his name, Ithano? Yeah, he'd get in touch with Ithano, who would take him to some asteroid in the Outer Rim, where he'd dig a hole and hide for the next couple millennia. That would work.

His lonely, barren wasteland of a future laid out before him, he stopped at the edge of a creek, water choked with reeds and thick with mud and algae. He dropped down onto a mossy rock by the water's edge and buried his head in his hands, wishing for a forest fire, a tidal wave, a rabid wolf attack, anything that would guarantee his not getting off of this planet alive.

He thought he got his wish when the bushes rustled behind him, but it was just Poe, not quite as bashed up as Finn, but out of breath and with a few leaves in his hair.

"What was that about?" he asked. Finn turned away and tossed a stone into the creek, expecting a satisfying thud when it reached the bottom and getting nothing but a messy green splash. Poe sighed and walked up behind him, scooping up a flat bit of slate and skipping it over the water's surface. Finn counted twelve jumps. And that made number five hundred and eight on the list of things Finn would never learn once he began his exile.

"Still waiting." Poe pointed out, kicking around in the dirt for more rocks. Finn bit his lip. Was Poe really making him do this?

"I'm sorry I kissed you..." he mumbled, shame faced. He sounded like a guilty child, for crying out loud. It was ridiculous. "It won't happen again, I swear..."

Poe was so surprised by Finn's response that he only managed four skips. He turned around and shrugged at Finn, his hands crossed over his chest.   

"What d'you mean? I'm not mad about that. I mean why'd you run off? Thought you'd get lost. Worried me for a second there." He took in all of the cuts on Finn's face and whistled. "Shit, buddy. Should've brought a med kit." He saw Finn's slack-jawed expression and tilted his head. "Something wrong?"

"I thought that you'd..." Finn trailed off and tossed another rock into the creek, staring at the sluggish rings it created in the water. He shrugged and tried again. "I dunno why I thought that, but I did, and I guess I just figured..." His voice caught and he bit his lip, trying his best not to look at Poe.

"Whoa, easy there. It's alright, Finn." Adamant, Finn shook his head and covered his face with his arms.

"I'm an idiot." he muttered. "I'm a fucking idiot."

Poe sighed and crouched in front of Finn, biting back a laugh. He couldn't help it; The both of them were so fucking thick it was a miracle that they had managed to survive this long.

"If you're an idiot," He poked Finn in the stomach and smiled, the lines around his eyes crinkling in a laugh. "What does that make me?" Finn looked up in time to feel the slide of lips against his own, the pressure of hands on the small of his back.

Poe kissed him, soft and slow and gentle, like an apology and an invitation all wrapped into one. Finn had a sense that he wasn't doing enough, that this was supposed to be a two-party thing, but he just closed his eyes and held on. He let Poe take over completely, put himself in his hands, let him lead while his mind floated away on a cloud, tethered with that unmistakeable touch. When Poe pulled away they rested their foreheads together, trying to keep the grins off of their faces. 

"Are we really doing this?" Finn asked, laughter and relief mingled up in his voice. 

"I dunno. You tell me." Poe leaned in again, hoping for another kiss.

 This time it was Finn who closed the gap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been one eventful weekend.
> 
> Wonder what they'll get up to on day three.


	3. Stargazing

For all the time he spent up there, Finn had never really looked at the sky. 

If as a child he had stared into that twinkling blanket of stars, wondering what adventures lay in wait for him out there, what incredible things they would show him when he was all grown up, that memory was gone now, stolen along with the rest of the things that made up who he was supposed to be.

So much of his life was missing. A first word, for example, the particular scent of his mother's perfume, the ragged texture of an over-loved stuffed animal, his own seat at the breakfast table, that culmination of objects and sensations that make up a life and a home and a person. None of them existed to him.

He never had a nickname. The other cadets never gave him one. FN-2003 was Slip, FN-2199 was Nines, but FN-2187 was just Eight-Seven. A shorter version of his designation, sure, but it was still just a designation. No one ever gave him a name, because no one thought he needed one. In their eyes he was nothing but the ideal stormtrooper: intelligent, displaying leadership from a young age, proficient in any and all forms of combat, favourite of Captain Phasma. He was poised to advance in the trooper ranks, above them, even. He would grow up to be great. But he had one flaw, one imperfection that led him into that downward spiral towards a desert planet.

He had a conscience, and for his whole life he had been punished for it. Because he felt what other did, their joys, their fear, their pain, because he smiled when others smiled, comforted them when they cried. Because he was human, he could never live up to his potential, could never find his home among drones. That's what got drilled into him, day after day after day.

And so enters Poe Dameron.

For a guy who had left home the second he could, Poe's roots ran deep. Looking at him, you knew that somewhere in the galaxy there was a place that he had come from, that he'd always find his way back to. The laughter of the forest creeks was in his voice, clear as the water itself. You caught the scent of motor oil and metal on his skin, and you knew that it had been there long before he had ever laid a hand on an X-wing. That house in the middle of all those mountains and trees was a part of him. He'd always come back to it, because he belonged to it as much as it belonged to him.

But he didn't want to keep all that to himself. A home was the people as much as it was a place; that much he knew, and his was missing someone. That's why he stayed away so long, always keeping an eye out for that last bit of the puzzle. He didn't quite know who it was he was waiting for, but he figured he'd know them when he saw them.

But the first time he met him, the stormtrooper with bright, panicked eyes and sweat-slick skin, he was, admittedly, hesitant to trust him. But it only took a couple words out of that stormtrooper's mouth for Poe to change his mind. That voice, that earnest, empathetic voice of someone on the verge of discovery convinced him. Here was somebody who had been searching for a home, and here he was waiting for someone to share his with. And maybe, just maybe, all that looking had led them to each other.

And so when Poe decided to throw in his lot with Finn, it was because he was sure that it was the real deal on his hands. And when Finn decided to trust Poe, at first it was just because he needed a pilot.

And then it was because he knew he had found his home.

 ----

Somehow all that had led them here, to the top of the hill behind Poe's house, on a clear windless night where the stars seemed to be flaunting their existence. Poe had his head in Finn's lap, one arm resting behind his head and the other outstretched, tracing imaginary lines between the stars, charting out his own personal map of the galaxy. It made all the sense in the world to him, but from Finn's perspective he looked just a little bit crazy. 

"And what are you up to?" Finn asked. He caught Poe's hand and pressed his lips to the scarred knuckles. "Whatever it is, it can't be half as weird as what it looks like." 

"I'm looking for constellations." he answered, watching Finn nibble at his fingertips, a grin pulling at the corner of his mouth. "They're like pictures in the sky, but you have to be really drunk to see them."

"Well, I'm really drunk, so why am I not seeing a light show?" 

"Babe, half a beer is not gonna make you really drunk." 

"I never said I was drunk on the beer..." Finn pointed out, biting playfully at Poe's wrist.

"You cheesy son of a bitch." Poe laughed and tilted his head back, waiting for Finn to notice him. He didn't disappoint.

When they kissed Finn could taste the beer on Poe's mouth, the acrid tartness of it suddenly so much better when it wasn't him who had drunk it. Poe pushed himself up and wrapped his arms around Finn's shoulders, pressing hungry kisses to his face and neck.

"I love you, Finn." 

"I love you too." he breathed. "I thought we had already established that."

"A little reminder never hurts." Poe laughed, then his eyes flicked to his watch and he whistled. "Shit, it's late. We leave at two tomorrow." He tickled Finn's sides, making him squirm. "C'mon, bedtime." 

"Don't you dare patronize me." he giggled as Poe kissed up and down the bridge of his nose. He rolled to his feet and pulled Poe up with him. "It's rude and insensitive."

As they walked they talked, but the further they walked the less talking they needed to do. Their voices were impossibly small under the sky, and they themselves were fenced in by the protective shadow of trees. So they kept close to each other, modulating their voices into hushed whispers. The meditative hush didn't go away even as they crept into the sleeping house, their footsteps too loud in the silence. It didn't help that Finn seemed to have a gift for finding the creaky parts of the hardwood.  

"Could you be any louder?" Poe hissed after the floor let out a particularly noticeable moan. Finn tried again, and a high pitched squeak echoed in the hall. Poe leaned against his bedroom door, biting back a laugh. Finn would have to deal with a staircase if he wanted to get to his room. "Have fun getting upstairs." 

"Can't I just stay here?" Finn pleaded. A grin on his face, Poe eased the door open and Finn followed him in, shutting the door behind himself and letting out a sigh of relief when he realized the room was carpeted. He strolled across the room and rolled onto Poe's bed, looking around at the manuals piled neatly on the desk and the faded schematics tacked to the wall.

"I take it you want to be a pilot." he deadpanned, scooping up a model X-wing that had been laying on the floor and tossing it to Poe, who caught it and set it down on a shelf lined with a half dozen miniature ships. Finn could have sworn he saw a TIE fighter tucked behind a battered R-22 Spearhead.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." Poe decided. He looked at Finn for a bit, something flickering across his face. Then he kicked off his pants and climbed into bed, shoving Finn up against the wall. He slung an arm over him and exploded a kiss in his ear. "G'night, Finn." Finn nodded and sighed, his eyelids closing on their own accord.

He could get used to this.

\---

 The next morning Finn woke up to lips on the back of his neck and a hand between his legs. He relaxed into the touch, not quite understanding why he liked it, but nevertheless enjoying the heat that had begun to pool in the pit of his stomach.

Lackadaisical morning sunlight was creeping in through the window, illuminating this and that in the otherwise dark room. A snatch of a torn leather jacket hanging over the back of a chair, a broken X-wing model half in shadow, Poe's bare leg dangling over the edge of the bed. 

Oh, right, now he remembered yesterday.

Poe and him were tangled together, limbs twisted up in the sheets and blankets. And if the numbness in the arm that was pinned under Poe's chest meant anything, they had been stuck like this for awhile. He turned and knocked his nose against Poe's shoulder, muffling an "ow" in his t-shirt. Poe yawned and lifted his head. His hair was a mess and he had sheet marks all over the left side of his face. It was kind of adorable, actually.

“Mornin’.” he slurred. He pecked Finn on the nose and grinned, running his free hand over Finn's close cropped head. “Sleep well?”

“Mm-hm.” Now he was painfully aware of how stiff his dick was getting. That was new. Did dicks go numb? Was that a thing? Maybe that's what was happening. He shifted, trying to figure out what exactly was going on down there. Poe wasn't freaking out, so it must be normal. Curious, he reached down and felt for Poe's cock, hard as well and pressed up against his thigh. Poe grinned and snorted, rubbing his cheek against Finn's neck.

 "You do understand the connotation of what you're doing, right?" 

"Not quite. Why are they hard?"

"It means you're aroused." Poe explained. Finn nodded and drew his hand back, tangling his fingers in Poe's curls. They were both quiet for a bit, exchanging lazy kisses and exploratory touches. Fingertips skimming freckles, lips on a healing scar. Then while Finn was nibbling on Poe's earlobe Poe pulled away and cleared his throat, obviously gearing up to ask something. Probably connected to the whole arousal thing. Which was still going on, by the way.

"Babe, how much d'you know about sex?"

Yeah, Finn had totally called that. Pretending to look disinterested, he shrugged and went back to fiddling with Poe's cock through his briefs, grinning when Poe tensed. "I know that it's how people make babies. And that half the barracks was doing it."

"What." 

"Yeah, it was weird. They didn't even try to be quiet. Didn't sound like they were having much fun, either. Lots of grunting. And two guys can't have a baby, so what's the point?" Finn shrugged and rested against Poe's chest. "I'm confused. Explain."

"Well..." Poe sat up and ran a hand through his hair, thinking his way around the question. "I guess they did it 'cause it was fun. Not everything's a means to an end type of deal, Finn. Sometimes you just do something because it feels good. Because it makes the person you're with feel good."

"Hm. And you want to make me feel good?" Poe smirked and cast a sidelong glance at Finn.

"I thought we'd established that. Think of it this way: It's like kissing, just another way to say "I love you" really. And I want to show you that I do as many times and in as many ways as I possibly can." He stretched his arms above his head, smiling widely. "So what d'you say, babe?"

“Wait, now? Like, right now?” Poe straddled Finn and grinned at him, shifting his hips to get some friction going, test the waters a little bit.

“If you wanna.” Finn's smile spread even further across his face and he ran his hands over Poe's sides, sliding his hands up under his t-shirt.  

"Hell yeah I wanna. But, uh, how does this work, exactly?" 

"Firstly, these are kinda unnecessary." He tugged at Finn's briefs, stretched tight against his cock. "Mind if I..." 

"Be my guest." Poe slid the shorts down Finn's legs, letting them bunch up around his ankles. With that taken care of he rolled off of the bed and popped up again between Finn's thighs, grinning. "Hey, where're you going?"

"Trust me."

“Wow. Wow.” Finn ran his fingers through Poe's hair, smiling. “Poe wait what are you doing. What’s going on down there? Holy-“ he cut off and laughed. “Whoa, hey, c’mon, don’t do that. Okay no, ignore me. Keep doing that.” his voice cracked and Poe laughed under his breath.

“Hope no one heard that. And I've barely done anything yet, you virgin.” He kissed the head of Finn's cock, applying the barest bit of pressure to the silken skin with his fingers. "How's this feel?"

"Sorta really awesome." Finn sighed. "Why is that?"

"Fuck if I know. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I say." He pulled his mouth off of Finn's dick with a pop and reached over to the nightstand, pulling open a drawer and digging around for some lube.

"Hey, come back..." 

"Patience is a virtue, you horny bastard." Bingo. He hopped back onto the bed and started to wrestle with the cap. Finn watched him, his eyebrows creased. Then he tugged at his shirt and pouted.

"Don't you have to be naked too?"

"Oh, I forgot about that." In reality he had just wanted Finn to undress him. But he didn't have to know that. He let Finn pull him close, watching his face light up with childish delight, like a kid unwrapping a birthday present.

"Your legs are kinda hairy." he decided, pulling Poe's shorts down to his ankles. When he got him out of his shirt he splayed his fingers across Poe's pecs, ginning. ”Your chest too. And your arms. And your face. I like your face best.” he concluded as he pushed the pile of clothes to the floor. Poe grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down into a kiss. "Are you bottoming?" 

"Sure looks that way." He still hadn't opened up the lube. Finn saw it and made a grabby motion with his hands.

"Pass it." he insisted. "You can't do all the work. I'll figure it out." 

"Tell me if you get confused." He tossed Finn the bottle and flopped back on the bed with his legs spread, letting Finn do what he liked. He surprised him with how enthusiastic he was, how ready he was to try anything. It was downright playful. Also, he knew how to give a pretty decent rimjob. Where had he learnt that?

"Is that what you've been looking at on my datapad?" he asked when Finn pulled away for air. Finn snorted and rolled his eyes.

"I can't avoid it. You leave your tabs open when I borrow it all the time. I'll just want to see what we're going to have for lunch and then your porn pops up."

"Oops." Finn rolled his eyes and pressed his lips to the inside of Poe's thigh, kissing a line inwards. "But hey, all's well that ends well, I guess." He reached down and cupped his hands over Finn's ears, rolling his hips, fucking himself into Finn's mouth. Then he felt lips pressed to his navel and a finger sliding inside him, followed by another. Finn eased them in and out at a steady, unhurried pace, eventually replacing them with his cock. Poe grinned up at Finn, stretching his arms luxuriantly over his head, tangling his fingers in the sheets and letting out a contented sigh.

"Looks like you got the hang of things." he decided, running his hands over Finn's arms. "You're a natural, babe."

"If only I was this good at piloting." Finn had stopped moving, trying to figure out where to go from here. Apparently he had never gotten that far into the videos. Poe smirked, biting his lip and glancing up at Finn's frustrated expression. This is where the whole power bottom thing came into play.

"Nobody's perfect, I guess." Poe laughed, pulling Finn closer and kissing the tip of his nose. "But you come pretty damn close. Fuck, this feels good..."

"Really?" Finn breathed. Poe rutted against him, bringing him in deeper, and Finn groaned, gripping the pillow in his fists. "Hey, Poe, if you don't mind I sorta..."

"I got you from here, babe. Trust me." Finn nodded in relief and withdrew, lying back down again. Poe straddled him and kissed his forehead, running his hands over Finn's chest and shoulders as he lowered himself. "This good?"

"Don't do anything quite yet." Finn said shakily. Poe nodded and nuzzled his face into Finn's neck, mouthing at his collarbone, waiting for the ok. 

They moved together, Poe murmuring encouragements into Finn's neck, Finn's breathing getting harsher, his movements more desperate. All too soon he was more than close, hips jerking and nails digging into Poe's skin, borderline begging for release. Poe led him along with words breathed between wet, openmouthed kisses, trying his best to tip Finn over the edge.

"That's it babe. Just like that. That's fucking perfect." he whispered, Finn’s whines soft against his lips. "I gotcha, sweetheart. Don't worry." Suddenly warmth bloomed somewhere deep inside him and Finn shuddered, muffling a gasp in Poe's collarbone. Poe let out a sigh and pulled himself up, rocking against Finn's hips, sending shivers up both of their spines.

 "You okay?" he asked. Finn grunted and collapsed back against the pillows, his chest heaving. Satisfied with that as a response, Poe rested his elbows on Finn's sweaty chest, letting Finn smooth his hands over his back, slip downwards, come to rest on Poe's rear end and feel his own release leaking out of Poe's body. He seemed to like that.   

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so." he managed. "But don't you wanna come?"

"I don't need to." Poe assured him, pulling the blankets back up and pecking Finn on the cheek. "I'm happy." And he really was. He was ticklish and happy and so, so tired. Without even bothering to have Finn pull out he flopped down on top of him, their eyes inches apart. It was already perfect, and then Finn smiled at him, sleepy, doe-eyed adoration lighting up his face.

"Okay then." he mumbled, "I guess I'll try harder next time." Now that made the same stupid grin pop up on Poe's lips. It only got wider as Finn tugged at his arm, asking to be held. 

"So I guess you enjoyed that." he theorized, wrapping his arms around Finn's shoulders.

"You know, I'm not quite sure. We'll have to try again." Finn murmured. Poe laughed and squeezed Finn tighter.

"Someone's eager." When his words were met with nothing but a snore he opened his eyes and nudged him. "Finn?" he whispered. "You up?" Another snore came as an answer. With his suspicions confirmed he reached over and unplugged his alarm clock, set to go off in another half hour. Then he nestled back against Finn and closed his eyes. 

They could probably stay home for another day at least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I add more? I want to add more.


	4. Mining

After getting chewed out by General Organa for showing up a day late Finn and Poe were released into the afternoon sunlight, sheepish smiles on both of their faces.

"She didn't seem that mad." Finn decided as they walked over to the hangar. Poe laughed and wrapped an arm around Finn, resting his cheek on his shoulder.

"Yeah, you should've seen her reaction when I popped up in the back of a supplies freighter after getting off of Jakku."

"I can only imagine. Hey, how did you get out of there? I've never heard that story." Poe detached himself from Finn and lifted up the garage door, grinning as BB-8 beeped and rolled up to meet him.

"I'll tell you once you tell me how you broke your trooper conditioning."

"I guess some things just have to stay mysteries." Finn decided, setting himself down on an old supply box. Poe shrugged and grinned, thankfully choosing not to pry any deeper into the matter. 

What the Order had done to him was a touchy subject for Finn. Truth was, he had never really broken his conditioning because it had never completely taken hold. His whole life he had known a little bit of what was right and wrong, had always leaned a little more towards the right. But that didn't mean he was free. His programming was still there, always nagging at the back of his mind, offering him a way out, an escape.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to shake this feeling, the way it bound him to his past. Even now he would sometimes wake up at night to accusing yells of _traitor,_  see the shadows of people he grew up with, the people who were now his enemies, creeping along the walls towards him, threatening to pull him back into the darkness. And every once in awhile he sort of wished they would.

It was so tempting sometimes to slip back into the anonymity being a stormtrooper had offered, the safety of knowing that he was nothing but a cog in the machine, a pawn to some higher power, that his actions had no consequence and that his own life was worthless. There was a sort of twisted sense of security in that. Or at least there had been until a certain someone had come along and convinced him otherwise.

Poe whistled as he climbed up to inspect the control board, unzipping his jumpsuit and tying the top half over his belt, leaving him in a grey tank top. He looked over at Finn, expecting to see him taking in the view, but instead finding him lost in thought, sitting on an upturned box with his chin resting in his hand. Poe rolled his eyes, deciding he would try to loosen him up a bit. He spun around on the ladder and leaned back against the X-wing with a grin on his face.

"Finn..." He drew out the word, making it as suggestive as he possibly could. That was asking a lot out of four letters. Finn blinked himself out of his stupor and glanced up at Poe, who was still making a display of himself, arms draped coyly over the side of the fighter, his back arched and head tilted just so, like he was teasing Finn and asking for him all at once.

"Yeah?"

"You need to unwind. I could help." Poe suggested, his smile easy and tone of voice downright syrupy. Choosing to take the bait and abandon his train of thought Finn jumped to his feet and smoothed his hands up Poe's front, loving the little shiver that thrilled up his arms, the firmness of skin beneath thin cotton.

"How would you do that?" he asked, pulling Poe down to his level, dipping his head to mouth at Poe's cheek, grazing the stubbly skin ever so slightly with his teeth.

"I have some ideas." Poe breathed, his words ghosting up the side of Finn's neck. "So are we doing this or what?"

"No, your not." Without warning Jessika Pava poked her head out of her X-wing, which was parked right beside Poe's. Neither of them had noticed her earlier. "Hi boss. I wasn't going to say anything, but you really shouldn't have cockpit sex while there're others in the room. Seems kinda rude."

"We were just saying hi." Poe insisted, jerking away from Finn. Jessika glanced at the latter, who still had a stupid smile on his face, obviously not even trying to help make Poe's paper-thin story at all believable.  

"Yeah. Just like how when Rey spent Valentines day with me we just braided each other's hair and talked about boys. Don't think you can pull a fast one on me." she said, ducking back into the cockpit of her fighter. Poe laughed and looked at Finn, who was craning his neck to see the clock on the far wall.

"You've got a briefing, don't you?" he asked. Finn nodded absently, looking through his satchel for their shared datapad. 

"Yeah, but I'll come back during my break." he promised, pulling Poe back down to give him one more kiss.

"I'll be here." 

When Finn was gone Jessika popped up again and wiggled her eyebrows at Poe, looking incredibly smug.

"Just so you know, I totally called this." she giggled. Poe rolled his eyes and heaved himself back onto his X-wing.

"Shut up, Testor, and pass me that repair kit."

\----

"Look what I found!" Snap yelled out, clambering out of the A-wing that had just been guided into the hangar. It was old and rusted, but Poe lit up when he saw it, dropping his tools onto the ground to go inspect the find. 

"Damn, how old is she?" As he spoke the engine sparked, sending up a cloud of blue smoke. Poe sighed and turned to holler over his shoulder at Finn, who was lounging in the cockpit of Poe's X-wing, scrolling through their datapad. "Hey, you gonna help your boyfriend fix this baby or what?"

"Hell no." Finn called over to them. Over their laughter he could hear the sound of a ship landing outside, landing gear hitting the concrete none-to-gracefully and engines slowing to a tired wheeze. Then the garage door slid open and a cheery voice piped up over the sound of welding and hammering.

"Anyone home?"  

"Rey!" Finn exclaimed. He jumped out of the cockpit and ran to meet her, his smile as big as her own. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too." she admitted, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing him in a hug. "I actually came back about a month ago, but you weren't here."

"At least you had Pava for company." Poe pointed out as he walked past them on his way to the supply closet. They all got a giggle out of that. When Finn let go of Rey he was almost lifted off of his feet by a pair of big furry arms and greeted with a happy roar.

"Hi, Chewie." he gasped, dealing with the unpleasant sensation of his lungs being constricted. "Life good?"

"He's glad to see you too." Rey laughed. "Alright, Chewie, you go on ahead." The Wookie grunted and set Finn down, patting him once more on the head before meandering off. Finn glanced at Rey, eyebrows raised.

"You speak Shyriiwook?" 

"A little, but even when I don't understand I'll just smile and nod. It seems to have worked so far. I have a feeling that that was Han's strategy as well." Finn nodded and glanced at the blaster strapped to Rey's thigh, the one Han had given her all that time ago, the one that looked like it had seen some action lately. He grinned at her and shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"So you staying long? Or you on some Jedi mission?"

"I'm leaving soon, actually. We were just dropping in for a moment. Luke wants to find Kylo Ren, see if he can't talk sense into him. I think he's insane."

"Skywalker or Kylo?"

"Both. Both of them are complete nutters. But even Luke knows he can't do that on his own. So now I've been sucked into all this as well. We're just here getting the go-ahead from the general. But all that aside, how have you been? Miss me?" 

"Well first I was in a coma, and then I was really busy, and then-"

"And then Poe got you into his bed and you forgot that other people existed." When she said that Poe popped up from behind the A-wing's engine, wiping oil off on his shirt. "Hi, Poe." 

"Hey, Rey. I take it Pava filled you in." He blew a kiss at Finn and ducked back down behind the engine. "So you're still in one piece?"

"Astonishingly. Hey, before we go on the whole suicide mission we're stopping over on Ilum. Anyone care to join me?" Finn sighed and shook his head, a little bit of disappointment on his face.

"Sorry Rey. I would but I'm leading a strike team to somewhere I'm actually not supposed to reveal to anyone, now that I think about it." Poe laughed at that and Finn stuck his tongue out at him. "But just outta curiosity, what's on Ilum, exactly?"

"Kyber crystals. I'm building my lightsaber. Luke wanted his back. I'm not sure why he needs two, but anyways. I'll bring you back a souvenir, don't worry." 

"Thanks." He saw Jessika waiting in the doorway and squeezed Rey in one last hug. "I guess that's your cue."

"I guess so. 'Till next time." She stood on tiptoes to kiss him on the forehead. "Bye, Poe."

"See you, Rey." Poe called out. As she walked off she bumped into BB-8, who stopped to beep at her for a second before rolling over to Poe in a panic, letting out an incoherent string of binary. Finn knew it was incoherent because even Poe had to ask him to slow down. As the droid whirred and squealed Poe's expression hardened, his grip tightening on the wrench he was holding. "Shit. Really? Right now? You gotta be kidding me..." He zipped up his flight suit and grabbed for his gear, which was spread out underneath the X-wing. "Sorry, babe. I gotta run."

"No problem." Other pilots had begun to run into the hangar, droids hot on their heels. Finn picked up Poe's helmet, pressing a kiss to his cheek before securing it on his head. "Stay safe." 

"When don't I?" He pecked the tip of Finn's nose, trying to keep the helmet out of the way. "You take care of yourself, got that? Be here when I get back." 

"Count on it." For a second an expression played on Poe's face, something tired and long-suffering, something that absolutely broke Finn's heart. Then BB-8 rolled between them and the moment passed, Poe giving Finn one last cocky grin before climbing up onto his X-wing. Finn waved and turned to leave, then changed his mind at the door and leaned against the doorway, watching the preparations with nerves churning in his stomach for no good reason. 

But as he watched the squadron take off Finn stopped worrying. This was normal for them. They would see each other again soon, no doubt about that. Having convinced himself he shouldered his blaster and ran off to join his own troop, the battle plan he'd been handed earlier that day cycling through his head, just waiting to be improved.

\----

"Don't worry, Chewie. I'll be fine. It's just like scavenging, really. Only with more sparkles." 

Chewbacca grunted and tossed his crossbow aside, getting out of the doorway and sitting back down with a thud. Luke laughed and activated the table they were sitting around, watching the holograms flicker to life on the tabletop with an amused smile. Artoo rolled over, clicking excitedly at the game. Luke rubbed his domed head, his prosthesis scraping against the metal unpleasantly. Realizing this he withdrew and turned his attention back to the game. 

"Remember the strategy, Artoo. Let the Wookie win. And Rey," he added, turning to face her. "May the Force be with you."

Rey nodded and shifted the weight of her quarterstaff to the other shoulder. She was still getting used to the idea that other people cared about her wellbeing. But so far she quite liked the feeling of someone fretting over her. She pulled up her mask to guard against the wind and opened the door, stepping outside into the bitter cold.

Ilum was an ice planet, more desolate than Starkiller had been, not a tree or a blade of grass in sight. She scrambled up the side of a hill, knowing that something was waiting for her on the other side of the ridge, but not knowing what, exactly. When she reached the summit she clambered over a particularly rocky outcropping and landed face up in the snow, dizzy and out of breath. When she got her bearings she blinked and sat up, staring at something right in front of her. She was pretty sure that she had found what she was looking for.

There was a temple carved into the side of a cliff, opening into the mouth of the caverns where she would find her crystal. She pushed open one of the carved stone doors and peeked inside. The interior turned out to be pitch black, like a gargantuan, echoing tomb. When she stepped inside the door slammed shut on its own accord, leaving her in the dark.

"Shit." she mumbled. For a couple seconds she stood there in silence, listening to her own breathing because that was all she had to do. After about a minute of that she raised her hands, palms towards the ceiling, and windows burst open somewhere far above her, illuminating elegant carved pillars and crumbling statues, spiralling ramps that had collapsed in on themselves over the centuries. And crystals, pure, glassy crystals covered every surface, reflecting and refracting the light coming in from the ceiling, sparkling enough to be almost blinding. 

"Well that was unexpected." she decided as she took in her brilliant surroundings.

As magnificent as this all was, she would have to go deeper to find anything useful to her. But she wasn't blind to the sparkle of these gems. She ran a hand over the glittering walls, a smile on her face. There was a particularly breathtaking gem trapped in a pillar a few feet away; the part she could see was a dusky pink and streaked with red veins. It would make the perfect birthday present for Jessika.

She reached out to it, concentrating, and with a loud crack it worked itself free of the stone and flew into her hand. Giddy with success, she stopped to examine it. It was lovely, yes, but more than that it seemed impossible. That there could be this much beauty in the whole galaxy, let alone on one planet, in the palm of her hand, it was hard for her to wrap her head around it.

So imagine what she would find the more she travelled. And she was going to travel, no question about it, one end of the galaxy to the other, if she could. There was so much of it and she wanted to explore every square parsec. On Jakku she had watched people come and go her whole life, and now it was her turn to be one of them.

The further she ventured into the caverns the more she allowed her surroundings to distract her, letting out a whooping holler in the middle of an arching main chamber, teetering on the edge of a chasm to peer into its infinite depths, balancing on a stalagmite with her arms outstretched, the glassy surface proving to be a challenge for even her balance.

She ran through the shiny black tunnels and corridors, climbed the rock walls with ease. The darkness didn't faze her, the maze didn't trick her. This legendary site of Jedi tradition and pilgrimage had become her playground, and she relished this newfound freedom. 

Then she stopped, poised on the ball of her foot. Still as the stone under her feet, she cocked her head and listened. She felt a pull, a voice, the same one that had drawn her to the chest in Maz's basement. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and let her senses guide her, letting herself be led to where she needed to go.

Her search led her into a grotto, a secluded little cave shrouded in almost complete darkness. Something was winking at her in the shadows, among a cluster of glassy rock. Anticipation shone on her face as she dislodged the crystal and examined it. About the length of her little finger, it glimmered gold in the palm of her hand, its light bouncing off of the colourless crystals surrounding her, scattering little rainbows across the cavern. She skimmed a finger over it, smiling when she felt what could only be described as its heartbeat, the quivering pulse telling her that it was alive, that it knew her the way she knew it.

Having gotten what she came for she straightened up, tucking away her find in the pouch slung low on her hip. That had been easier than she thought it would be. Likely the hardest part would be tearing herself away from her newfound stomping ground. That and finding the exit, that proved to take up quite a bit of her time.

As she was nearing the mouth of the cave she remembered her promise of a gift for Finn. She glanced to her left and grinned at a likely candidate. The perfect size for a pendant of some sort, it would sparkle even brighter with only minor buffing. It was pretty similar to the one she had found earlier for Jessika, actually, just clear instead of pink. She chipped that out of the rock and tucked it into one of the pouches on her hip. Then she paused, waiting with bated breath.

Another pulse, another heartbeat was calling to her. 

She turned to see the same yellow glow from earlier reflecting off of a large crystal formation jutting out of a pillar that had snapped in half. As she approached and kneeled in front of the source of the light the crystal in her pouch seemed to respond. They resonated with each other, the effect almost magnetic. She had been told that just one would speak to her, but then stranger things have happened. She shrugged and chipped the second crystal out of the bedrock. 

"Can't have too much of a good thing, I suppose..." she decided, dropping it in with its mate. The two of them seemed to let out a joyful trill before settling back into the quiet buzz from before. She snapped the clasp shut and turned towards the exit, pulling her mask up over her cheekbones. 

No question about it. This would be one special lightsaber.

\----

"Any news?" Finn asked, leaning in close over Kaydel's shoulders. She rolled her eyes and swatted him away, eyeing his torn up combats with some distaste. They were a little offensive after spending a month and a half in the field.

"Someone's clingy. And sweaty. Take a damn shower already. And get out of the control room." Then she saw his expression and relented, taking a bit of the bite out of her voice, seeing he needed reassurance. "Alright, alright. His last transmission was sent a week ago and his air traffic since then has been normal. See? You've got nothing to worry about, Dameron, trust me. Why are you so tense about it?" 

"Nothing, I guess. Just a feeling." He shouldered his pack and blinked at her. "Did you just call me Dameron?"

"No." she said quickly. Finn was about to say something when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Rey, grinning and holding something in her hand.

"How long have you been here?" he asked.

"I got back two weeks ago. I have free parking here. By the way, look what I got." She dropped the crystal into his hand. It was flecked with dirt and unpolished, but all the same it was beautiful.

"Thanks, Rey." Finn said, trying to sound excited. But a sense of dread was creeping up on him, slowly and then all in a rush, giving him a headache. Rey touched his shoulder, smiling.

"Hey, Poe's fine, you know that right? I wouldn't worry about it. So how was your mission?" she asked, trying to keep his mind on other subjects. Finn grinned and shrugged, slipping the crystal into his pocket.

"Fine, but the weirdest thing happened. Another squad was at Niima Outpost and they heard rumours that a family of humans had shown up about a week before they did. No one knew what they were looking for. They didn't speak to anyone."

"Really?" Rey blinked and turned away, letting out something that sounded almost like a wistful sigh. But he must have been imagining things because when he opened his mouth to say something suddenly Jessika was there and she and Rey were kissing and Kaydel was yelling at them to all get the hell out of the control room or did they want her to call the general.

As this was all too much for Finn he decided to go take a shower and go to his debrief, which would probably be a lot less dramatic compared to whatever was going on here.

\---- 

When he was released from the meeting Finn stumbled across the base, probably looking more than a little zombified. After a month and a half of non-stop stress and negligible sleep he was having trouble staying upright. It was a struggle just getting to his door. When he finally shuffled into his and Poe's shared quarters he tossed his ruck onto his perfectly made bed and sat down on the edge of Poe's squeaky mattress. He kicked off his boots and curled up in the nest of blankets and pillows he had made for himself there during Poe's absence.

He tried to get comfortable, but something was digging into the side of his leg and he squirmed, trying to get to it. After rummaging around in his pockets for awhile he came across the crystal that Rey had given him earlier. 

Curious, he held it high above his head and squinted at it. He could have sworn that it had been clear as glass before. But now it winked back at him in the sunlight, sending blue flickers ricocheting around the room. He tilted it this way and that, watching it react to light like a living thing. It was impossibly blue, as though someone had chipped away a bit of the sky, the same one that Poe was probably navigating this very second, wherever he was. And now Finn had a way to be up there with him. With that idea firmly rooted in his head he gripped his little piece of heaven tight and closed his eyes, rolling over to his side of the bed, leaving plenty of room just in case someone decided to come home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed more Rey in my life dammit. Don't judge me.


	5. Battle Plan

When he woke up Finn groped blindly around the bed, searching for a warmth he knew he wouldn't be able to find. It still didn't make sense that he felt so tense. Poe had been on longer missions than this, so had Finn. And they had always come back, battered and tired, sure, but always with open arms and eager eyes.

The crystal was still clutched in his hand, glittering with soft blue light. He placed it carefully on the bedside table and rolled out of bed, vaguely concerned about what was for breakfast.

\---- 

"'Morning, General. You wanted to see me?" Leia looked up from her datapad and nodded at Finn, who had just walked into the control room.

"One of the Republic senators who's still on our side tipped us off. First Order has another base of operations out in the Outer Rim. We have reason to believe that they have an armaments stash." She walked over to the briefing table and turned on the holograms, taking a sip of coffee and glancing back at Finn. 

"And we're going in there to blow it up while most of their fleet is engaged on the other side of the galaxy." he concluded, tracing the holographic battle plan with his fingertips.

"Exactly. Any suggestions?" Finn pursed his lips and stared at the diagrams and charts in front of him, reading the terrain and troops available to him like a book.

"I can minimize the casualties by twenty percent and cut the timings by a third at least. Gimme twenty minutes." 

"You have fifteen. Did you eat breakfast?" she asked suddenly.

"No." Finn admitted. 

"Nobody on this damned base knows how to take care of themselves..." Leia shook her head and sighed. "Add a break in the middle of the briefing. Get yourself something." she told him, turning her attention back to a controller. Finn grinned and spun the hologram around, rearranging formations and adjusting trajectories like he'd done it a thousand times, which he had.

After ten minutes he was ready to call in the officers. In the early days the group had had issues with the idea of taking orders from a corporal, and an ex-stormtrooper at that, but after a couple missions they had realized that they and their troops were in pretty good hands. They filed in around the table, talking amongst themselves until Finn switched on the holograms, commanding their attention. 

"Thank you all for being here. Today we will be covering the updated sequence plan for Operation Obviate. It is divided into six phases, furthermore a seventh may be deployed as a countermeasure if..."

"Spare us the formalities, Dameron. You sound like you're still with the Order." one of the officers called out, making a ripple of laughter rise from the group. Finn's face grew warm and he smiled. 

"Sorry, I get all official when I get nervous."

"Someone should get him his pilot back." another officer suggested. "That'll loosen him up."

This time Finn was comfortable enough to laugh with the rest of them.

\----

"Alright, Blue Three. Over and out." Kaydel settled back in her chair and stretched, yawning so wide her jaw cracked. Finn flinched and sat down at the empty station beside her, glancing curiously at her control board. Much like the X-wing's cockpit, it mystified him to no end.

"When did Jessika get up there?" he wondered aloud. "I saw her yesterday."

"This morning, the second she got her X-wing working. Couldn't bear to think of everyone having fun without her." Kaydel glanced at Finn, who was munching on some toast and taking tentative sips of straight black coffee. "You're meant to add cream and sugar."

"Really? Poe doesn't."

"That's because he's a weirdo." Her comm blinked and she waved him off, putting her headset back on. "Go ahead." Finn stood and leaned against the briefing table, relaxing into the familiar cadence of coordinates and confirmations being tossed around above his head. He could fall asleep to it, it was that soothing.

Well, most of it was, anyways.

"Black Leader is confirmed down. I repeat, Black Leader is confirmed down."

Finn blinked and looked up from his cup. Black Leader. That was Poe's callsign, wasn't it? He shook his head and took a deep breath. Maybe there was another squadron whose commander went by Black Leader. It was a cool name after all. He glanced over at Kaydel and listened to the rest of the exchange, praying that he would be proven right.

"The remainder?" That was Leia talking, standing behind Kaydel with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Remainder of Blue Squad is grouping at last checkpoint. Predicted arrival time T minus..." Kaydel scowled and tapped her comm. "Blue Three? Come in, Blue Three. Affirmative, Black Leader is down. Transferring callsign Black Leader to you, expect incoming traffic momentarily. Over." Leia pursed her lips and shook her head before turning away.

And that was it. 

Finn blinked and steadied himself against the command table, keeping his arms locked for fear of them trembling. Maybe there were two Blue Squads. That must be it. It was some other commander who called himself Black Leader, who had a pilot with Jessika's callsign, who knew Leia personally enough that she would worry about his wellbeing. There must be tons of pilots like that.

"Corporal?" Finn gulped and looked up. The group was watching him, waiting for him to continue his spiel. But Finn's mouth was dry and the words weren't there. He wanted to scream, wanted nothing more than to break down right there in the control room and cry. Then he cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, addressing the officers again.

"Right. Sorry. Like I was saying, I need airpower to support the ground troops positioned here. Captain Kun, divide your squadron by sector, see if you can't lock down the base..." 

After a half hour of discussion the group split off, each with their own task in mind. Finn jogged off with the other infantry officers, vaguely aware of a throbbing in his chest and a pain behind his eyes. He must be coming down with something. That must be why he felt like a part of him had just died. 

He refused to consider any of the other possibilities.

\----

Finn was far too comfortable in combat situations for it to be healthy. In the claustrophobic, smoky hallway of an Order armaments base, all jostling elbows and phaser blasts and alarms blaring in his ears, Finn was finally able to think for the first time in awhile, the fog in his brain clearing up as the smoke he was surrounded by thickened. As he and his squad burst out of the corridor, gunning down the troopers manning the control room, Finn realized something so obvious that if he weren't in the middle of a firefight he would have smacked himself in the face and yelled "idiot" at the top of his lungs. 

Poe was dead. And he had been for at least a couple days. Maybe more, who knew, really. Point being is that he was dead, again, and that Finn was alone, again. Now that was just cruel. Finn lobbed a grenade at an incoming platoon of stormtroopers, hitting the floor when it found its mark. Oh, there would be hell to pay for this.   

 "On your six." Finn warned Royer, a sergeant who had been promoted to 2IC after the first one had been gunned down a couple hours ago. Finn picked off a trooper who was getting a little too close for comfort and signalled to one of his soldiers stationed by the door. "On his mark we pull out, get to the shuttles."

Royer nodded, shooting another trooper who was coming up behind Finn. The signal came right on cue, just as Finn had planned it would. He crouched and yelled into his comm. "Move!"

Finn stayed by the door, covering for the soldiers ducking out of the building. He grabbed Royer by the arm before he could bolt off with the rest of them. "Numbers."

"Three dead, one missing. Fell behind in sector three." Finn scowled and let go of Royer's arm. The death toll was still well below his original margin of error, but the more people he got out the better.  

"I'll get whoever's left. You make sure everyone gets out." Finn raised an eyebrow, seeing that Royer was about to argue. "Who's in charge here?"

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Royer muttered. Then he turned, addressing the soldiers who had taken cover under rubble and rocks. "Alright everybody, let's move!"

\----

As Finn sprinted down the corridors shivers started tipping up and down his spine, his mind went hazy with white fuzz. He told himself it was the smoke getting to him, but that wasn't it, he's sure it wasn't.

He got into the control room and stopped in his tracks. A soldier was slumped against a pillar. He didn't seem to be injured. So why couldn't he get up? When he got closer Finn got his answer.  

 "On your feet." Finn ordered. The soldier pulled the body he had clutched to his chest closer and shook his head. It was the corpse of a woman, Finn could tell that much, but her face was burnt beyond recognition. The soldier kissed her anyways, whispering with a voice grown hoarse with tears.

"We can't bring her with us." Finn insisted. Some of the passages had been blocked off with rubble, barely enough space for one person to squeeze through the gap. "C'mon."

"No." the soldier snarled, looking up and glaring at Finn out of red, teary eyes. "Together or not at all." 

Finn recognized him. He had seen him when he first got on base, lagging behind his squad, sitting alone in the mess hall. The outcast, the odd one out. That part he could relate to. Then, one day out of the blue, she had shown up. Finn had loved watching them together, the way his face lit up when she spoke, the way her eyes trained on the lips she knew were hers and hers alone. Seeing those strangers happy could always make a shitty day a little bit better for him. But now for some reason Finn didn't feel quite so sympathetic.

"You have to the count of three." he warned. "We have to get out." He trained his blaster on the soldier's forehead, thinking that would be enough to motivate him. When he did that, for a moment his eyes lost focus, his breath got caught in his throat. No, this wasn't right. He was trying to save the soldier. Why was he pointing a gun at his head? And the other soldier, the broken body limp on the stones, he should feel something for her, shouldn't he? The man bit his lip, stifling a desperate sob. At that Finn stiffened and focused his aim. She was dead, so what? The guy had to get used to the idea. People died. The people you loved were no exception.

"This is your last warning." The soldier looked up at Finn, his eyes blank. He reached up and grabbed the muzzle of Finn's blaster, resting it against his forehead.

"Get it over with." he murmured. Finn's eye didn't even flicker when he pulled the trigger. After the bang the soldier slumped forwards, cradling his lover in a limp embrace. Finn stared at them, floundering for a moment in a feeling that he didn't understand. It burned inside him, culminating in a shriek that made its way upwards from his heart before dying on his lips. In its wake he felt nothing.

Because he had come to a satisfying conclusion. It was alright. What he had just done was justifiable. The man was nothing but the weakest link in the chain, a nuisance at best, a liability at worst. Whoever the woman had been didn't matter. Besides, Finn had bigger worries.

The crack on the ceiling had spread, the walls beginning to buckle under their own weight in showers of dust and stones. Finn ducked and rolled to avoid a falling slab of concrete, weaving through the maze of fallen steel beams and stone supports, shooting any remaining stormtroopers who got in his way. 

It felt good. He was hardwired for this after all. It was so easy to finally give in. He let his training take over, let his past engulf him. He let go of the person he had become during the past few months, let the memories of him and his be crushed under the falling pillars, buried in rubble, sealed away where he would never have to face them again. And he felt, for the moment, perfectly at peace.

He just made it to the ships, leaping onto the command shuttle right as they were pulling up the ramp. There was a clang, a flurry of commands from the cockpit, and then they were off. Finn tossed his kit down and stretched, slumping down onto one of the benches set up along the walls of the ship. 

"Where is he?" asked the officer who was sitting beside him. Finn looked up, not quite sure how to respond. Why did the man care about one measly trooper? Finn blinked and shook his head. Something was wrong with that sentence, he was sure of it. Then he dismissed the idea and shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.

"He didn't make it." he said vaguely, picking at the blood on the muzzle of his blaster.

"It happens." 

"Yeah." he muttered, watching a flickering fluorescent light die above him. "You're right."

\----

The shadows had always been after Finn, the shadows of the Order, of the past, of a whole lifetime spent in death and destruction. The second he broke the bonds he ran, never once looking back, never once checking to see whether or not they were gaining ground. They were.

And now they had claimed Finn, swallowed him up, dragged him back with them into the dark. He knew it, and knew that he couldn't reveal this to a soul. After getting back last night he hadn't joined in the celebrations of a job well done. No, he had locked himself in his room, their room, Poe's room, whatever. He had curled up on Poe's bed with his hands covering his face, wondering what the fuck was wrong with him, what had motivated him to do what he had done. He couldn't dig up any reasons that satisfied him. And that's how he fell asleep, still wondering, still floundering in the muck of his mind and motivations.

An hour later he woke up with a jolt from a nightmare, his first in months. It had been harmless enough at first. Just them sitting around in the mess hall, Poe's arm around his shoulders, Rey at his side, Jessika in her lap, the other pilots in Poe's squadrons laughing over their rations. Not a dream, actually, Finn was pretty sure that it was a memory.

He had looked up, made eye contact with a woman sitting a couple tables away. Short brown hair swept over her eyes, an ironic grin pulling at crooked lips. She blew a kiss at him and laughed, making the guy beside her turn to look at her.

It was him, the soldier, the one from yesterday. Finn watched how his face lit up, saw the way the woman smiled at him, the way she pecked the top of his curly head playfully. Finn saw this, and at the same time he saw the day before, the tears, the blood, all of it invading his sunny little dream. She kissed his face, and Finn watched the man do the same to her mangled remains. She whispered in his ear, cradling his head in her arms, and Finn watched her movements play out under very different circumstances. When Finn opened his eyes he realized he had been crying; when he remembered why the tears came in earnest.

"What've I done?" he gasped into his pillow. He pulled it close, muffling his silent shrieks and sobs, tensing whenever he let out a gasp because he was sure someone would hear him. Someone did.

"Finn? Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" Finn felt a weight shift beside him, a hand reaching out and resting on his cheek. He let out one more sob, but more out of relief than anything else.

"You're alive?" Finn breathed as Poe crawled on top of him and kissed his cheek. "You came back..."

"Babe, I came back weeks ago, so did you. But, just so we have it on record, you're glad to see me, right?" Finn couldn't quite see him, truth be told. It was too dark. Poe rubbed Finn's cheek with the bottom of his t-shirt, probably smiling while he did. "Hey, wipe your face. Did you have a nightmare? Want me to go sneak something out of the kitchen for you?"

"Nah, I'm good. I just need a tissue." He reached over and turned on the lamp on their bedside table. "It was such a long dream, Poe. It was..." He looked up at Poe's face, now illuminated by the soft yellow lamplight. "Oh, no."

"What?" Poe asked, tilting his head. "Something wrong?"

Finn sure thought so. Half of Poe's face was slashed to ribbons, a chunk of his neck was just missing. He couldn't possibly be alive. 

"You're gone. You died." Poe just smirked and tried to kiss Finn, who pushed him away, trying not to tremble. "Get out of my head."

"Why? You wanted me back, I know you did." Poe reached up and touched his face, his good eye widening as he realized what was wrong. "Oh, sorry, I get it. Seeing me like this, that probably fucked you up. But this is how I looked when I died, Finn. And d'you wanna know what I was thinking about, lying there in all that rubble and smoke?" He smiled, skimming his fingertips over Finn's neck, humming as he did. "You. I thought of you because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Finn had clenched his eyes shut, but he opened them when he felt Poe's lips on his, the familiar pressure easing his mouth open almost against his will. Or that's what he told himself. He refused to admit that he was leaning into the kiss, craving this ghost of a touch. 

"Stop. Please make it stop." Finn sobbed. Poe pulled away, sighing kind of wistfully as he pecked Finn on the forehead.

"It will stop. If you give in. I know there's a monster inside you, Finn. I know that somewhere in that beautiful soul of yours there's something ugly and twisted, a living weapon just waiting to lash out at everything and everyone around him." He skimmed his lips over Finn's cheek, leaving a bloody smear. "Why don't you pull that guy out? He's the only one who can protect you from me. If you don't you'll never forget me. You'll never escape this." Finn was breathing hard, his fists clenched and teeth grinding together. Poe loomed over him, still grinning. "So, what d'you say, freak?"

"Fuck you!" He punched Poe square in the jaw, knocking him off the bed. Finn jumped up, intending to smash Poe's face in, kick in his ribcage, break his legs, snap his arms in two. But he was gone. It had been another dream, he realized, slumping back down onto the edge of the bed. Maybe, but it had felt so real...

"I'm going completely crazy." Finn mumbled into the blanket he had clamped between his teeth. He felt tears sting his eyes, threatening to turn into another crying fit. He squeezed the blanket tightly to his chest, trying to breathe. But it smelled too much like Poe for him to be comforted.  

Fuck him, Finn decided. Fuck that dead son of a bitch. He cast the blanket aside and exhaled, running a hand through his hair, waiting for his breathing to slow down. When it did he rubbed at the tears on his face and looked up, his eyes still wet, but now glimmering with a type of blankness, a reflective, glassy sheen. He didn't notice, but the crystal on his bedside table had flickered and died. Minutes ticked by, and still Finn didn't move, waiting for something, anything. And when nothing happened he closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. However murky the rest of this mess was, one thing was clear.

It was Finn who had run back into the bunker to save a soldier's life. It was FN-2187 who came out with that soldier's blood on his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guess what time it is bitches that's right it's fucking angst o'clock who's ready to feel unnecessary pain 'cause I know I'm not. Gosh the next chapter is gonna be wild.
> 
> Yo by the way 2IC stands for second in command.


	6. Search and Rescue

Rey cussed, throwing the bits and pieces of her lightsaber across the Falcon’s lounge. A chunk landed on the game table, lighting it up with half a dozen little holomonsters. She cursed again and waved her hand, shutting it down before Ng'ok had a chance to rip out Kintan's throat.

This was a load of bullshit. She'd been at it for months, trying to work with the crystals, attune them to her needs or whatever the fuck it was Luke had told her to do, and look at all the good that did her. She had decided to use her quarterstaff as a base, make herself a double-bladed lightsaber. She was regretting that decision now. The second she got one blade to work the other would flicker out, and the one time that both had worked simultaneously it had blown up in her face, literally. Something was wrong, something important...

"Credit for your thoughts?"

Rey craned her neck to look at Jessika, who was holding a plate heaped with food, her expression a mix of exasperation and fondness. And horniness, Rey couldn't help but detect a little bit of that floating around in that head of hers.  

"What are you doing here?" she grumbled, reassembling the pieces of the lightsaber and shoving them into a drawer with a dismissive flick of her hand. Jessika rolled her eyes, obviously wondering how she had gotten herself tangled up in all this Jedi nonsense.

"Honey, you look like you haven't eaten all day." she insisted, placing the plate beside Rey, who sighed and rubbed her face, blinking yellow spots out of her eyes. How long had she been at this, again?  

"I'm supposed to do this by myself." she mumbled, her voice slurring from exhaustion.

"C'mon, dumpling. Even Jedi need breaks." Jessika straddled Rey and accepted her sloppy, tired kiss. "Besides, there's no point in trying to work when you're distracted."

"Distracted, am I?" Rey sighed, undoing Jessika's ponytail and running her fingers through her thick black hair. "What gives you that idea?"

"Ever since you heard about the family on Jakku you've been moping." Jessika insisted, trailing her hands down Rey's arms. "Is it because you think it was yours?"

"I'm not sure. I think if it was I would have felt it, but still..."

"Aw, pumpkin, I'm not going to pretend I understand how this whole sensing with the Force thing works, but if it's messing with you that much it's worth checking out, I say. Are you worried that you might be disappointed?"

Rey shrugged and traced the Resistance insignia on Jessika's chest with her fingertips. Truth be told, the trouble didn't lie in what would happen if she didn't find her family, but what would happen if she did. Would they want her to abandon the Resistance? Her friends? Her training with Luke? Jessika pecked Rey on the forehead, making her blush. And how would this family feel about Jessika?

Rey, during her time on base, had pieced together what a normal human family looked like. A mom, a dad, and on average two to three kids. She had never really met one, a full family that is, unless you counted the Solos. But that was a situation she really didn't want to replicate. Although from the wistful way Jessika babbled on about her sisters, the way Poe would sometimes gripe about how rations never measured up to something your mom would make, Rey figured that the Solos were the odd ones out. She wanted in on what everyone else had.

"So?" Jessika prodded, taking hold of Rey's chin and tilting her face upwards. "You going or not?"

"I suppose it's worth a shot. But don't you need me here?"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Jessika reminded her, pecking her on the cheek. "Go figure yourself out; I'll be here when you get back." she promised. "Then we can get back to doing whatever it is that lovers do."

"And what is that?" Rey asked innocently, unhooking Jessika's bra through her shirt. Jessika stuck her tongue out and raised her arms over her head, laughing as Rey undressed her.

"You tell me, sugar."

\----

Coruscant, like anywhere else, had its rough patches. Finn had been to those places before on previous missions, but the upper crust, where the rich and powerful lounged on gold balconies and sucked on silver spoons, now that was a whole new experience for him.

Unfortunately they weren't there to sightsee. On their way back from another mission they'd picked up a distress call from one of their operatives, cut off before they could get a real handle on the situation. All they had was the planet, coordinates, and a bloodcurdling shriek. At least everyone else thought it was bloodcurdling. Finn wasn't quite so affected. That's why he and Royer were here, poised on one of those glittering balconies with a sniper rifle in his hands, watching the entrance of the Senate Building for a certain unlucky individual.

 "Since when did this become a public assassination?" Royer asked, his voice tight with nerves and frustration. 

"Since I decided it should be." Finn told him, scanning the crowd for his target. 

In the fallout of the Hosnian system's destruction Coruscant had hurriedly been reappointed capital. The Republic was fragmented, and the pieces were the last remaining senators, the few who had escaped with their lives. That number was about to drop by one. Today marked the second Senate since Starkiller's destruction, and the vote they were taking would decide on further military response, whether they would mobilize the fleet or wait it out. 

But that wasn't why Finn was here. What had pulled him in was the discovery of a Resistance strike team rotting in a back alley in CoCo town, killed off by hired thugs. Guess who hired them.

Finn had sent the others on ahead, but Royer had insisted on sticking around, to Finn's vague irritation. But even with the unwanted supervision he had managed to dig up a few fascinating tidbits, and they all had pointed to this particular senator being a greasy, corrupt politician bent on destroying the Resistance through political tampering. Not exactly an upstanding fellow. A finger in every pie in the galaxy, so long as they had the credits. First Order sympathizer to boot, the fucker... 

Well, Finn had known that from the start, but it never hurt to be certain. Royer still wasn’t onboard, though. He looked like he was about to have a stroke.

”No one told us to do this, Finn. We were never ordered to take up their mission and we can't just-"

"I'm taking the initiative." Finn insisted. "Someone has to get the job done. If he gets into that building we're completely fucked. You know how many votes he bought. He gets in, it'll be Palpatine all over again..." 

Finn blinked, holding the thought. There was the senator, making his way down the walkway, guards flanking him on either side. But they weren't the only protection he had. A swarm of children was crowded around him, laughing and dancing at the novelty of being around such an important man. What wasn't so novel was the fact that they were being used as meat shields. Someone must have tipped the senator off that he was in danger. So the strike team hadn't been as stealthy as Finn had hoped, oh well. That's why he's here. He adjusted his sights and flattened himself to the ground, taking a deep breath as he followed the rheumatic movements of the old man with the muzzle of his weapon.

"You won't make the shot." Royer hissed. He watched Finn's face, usually bright and expressive with life, but the scowling features betrayed nothing.

"I'll make the shot." Finn mumbled, training his sight on the senator, aim quavering between the old man's greying hair and the dark brown curls of the girl he was holding. For show, all of it. The senator hated children, Finn could tell, even from this distance. He bit into his tongue and let out a breath, steadying his hands, focusing on the target's feeble-chinned, red face. Weak, corrupt, just like the rest of that decaying Senate had been... 

"Finn? What are you-"

There was the gunshot, and then shrieks and cries out in the streets. Royer ran over to the railing and leaned out, further than was probably advisable. Finn slung his blaster over his shoulder and followed Royer's gaze. The senator was lying on the ground, half of his head blown clean off. A bit of a messy shot, but what could you do when those brats were darting every which way? Finn couldn't risk hitting one of them with Royer right there. He'd go nuts. Speaking of Royer, he was babbling into his comm, sending out a clumsy distress call. Finn rolled his eyes and sighed. Apparently he was going to get into shit for doing his job. Figures.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" Finn asked, straightening up and dusting off his knees. Royer drew his phaser and pointed it at Finn's chest, his trembling hands betraying the fear he felt. 

"You...you just fired on a crowd of children." he stuttered. "I had no choice..."

No choice? Now that was perplexing. Finn wasn't quite sure whether he should laugh or shoot the bastard in the face. He went with the latter.

When Royer’s body hit the floor a part of Finn twitched, flinched as though in pain, writhed within him like a venomous snake uncoiling itself in a spasm brought on by the loss of its head, leaving behind its skin and its venom, the evil that had been held innocently between barely parted lips now poisoning the earth around it. Grass wouldn't grow, weeds would fester, all because the creature's very nature was fatal, through no fault of his own. 

Finn licked his lips and took a deep breath, letting the wave of nausea pass. He'd have to hide himself, somehow. Get off of Coruscant if he could. He watched the starships taking off from the airfield a couple miles away. Too bad he couldn't fly one...

_ "You need a pilot." the Resistance fighter had realized, scrutinizing the stormtrooper's face. _

_ "I need a pilot." FN-2187 agreed. To his surprise a smirk tugged at the fighter's lips, spreading quickly into a crazy grin. He had a nice smile, a really nice smile...   _

Finn scowled and dismissed the memory, or was it a dream? Didn't matter either way, what he really needed was a drink. He kicked Royer's body aside and took one last glance over the balcony, watching the search lights playing games on the streets below, hearing the last few childish whimpers that always accompany a tragedy. 

"Tragedy, huh?" Finn muttered, watching the scene unfolding below him. "I don't get it."

He was right, in his own twisted way. You'd think that people would have reconciled themselves to the idea of death awhile ago. It was a pretty common occurrence after all. But no, everyone had to go and lose their mind over the loss of something that really wasn't worth keeping, something transient and painful and needlessly cruel, something that took more than it ever gave.

_Yeah,_ Finn decided, _Life's just not worth the effort._  

But if that was true, what the hell was he still doing up here? With his revelation burning bright in his mind he turned his back on the street, on the world, on living. And as he turned away from the light he accepted the dark with open arms, running up to meet it halfway with his eyes squeezed shut.

The darkness is easier to bear, after all.

\----

Rey sat up with a gasp, her body rigid and mind on edge. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Something...

Then Jessika shifted beside her and Rey relaxed. It had just been a bad dream. And from the images flashing through Jessika’s mind she was in the same boat as Rey. 

She tried not to pry into Jessika’s mind without permission, but sometimes it just happened, especially when Jessika was having a nightmare. And this particular one was a doozy. Somehow she could tell that it was a memory, the explosions and orders blossoming like dark flowers in her mind, solid and sharp to the touch.She took a hissing breath, watching the event unfold through Jessika’s eyes, seeing the smoke erupting from her wingman’s ship, hearing the catch in her breath when the lower left wing snapped off of his X-wing, feeling the determined snarl on her face when they transferred his callsign to her. Black Leader, they told her. That’s you now. Lead the squadron. Do what Dameron trusted you to do, now that he’s gone.

"Jess." Rey breathed, nudging Jessika's shoulder. "Wake up, Jess." When she finally did, with much blinking and gasping, Rey kissed the tip of her nose and pulled her close. “I saw it. It’ll be alright. You’ll be a great commander. I’m sorry about Poe. What happened?” 

“He just got shot down, two weeks ago. He just…” Jessika sighed and pressed her face into Rey’s collarbone. "It wasn't a direct hit, but he crashed onto enemy territory and there hasn't been any contact. Not the best scouting mission we've ever done, I have to say..."

"I'm sorry, Jessika." She should check up on Finn later, poor guy...

“Finn’s off-planet right now, isn't he?" Jessika mumbled. Rey couldn’t help it, the little smile that tugged at the edge of her lips. So this was love, knowing someone the way you knew your own mind, better, even. 

“I thought that I was the mindreader…” she teased gently, kissing Jessika’s cheek. “You’d better sleep now, got that?” She pulled the blankets back up and closed her eyes as well, sighing into her pillow. “I should be the one to tell him, I think. When the time comes…”

If the time came, that is. She was leaving for Jakku at first light. If she found her family she was staying. She had to. Her lifetime of waiting couldn’t have been in vain. She’d find them there, expecting her. She was sure that she would.

But why did knowing that leave her feeling as though her heart had been torn out of her chest?

\----

The dawn sky was clear, the tarmac was empty, and the Falcon was rumbling quietly in the hangar. Perfect. Rey had wanted this to be a pretty low-key event. She spotted Chewbacca in the cockpit, stuffing his overgrown frame into the copilot chair, something that took more time than either of them cared to admit. As the ramp lowered Rey stiffened and turned around. Turns out she wasn’t alone after all.

“I remember Han doing something like this, once.” A familiar voice piped up from the shadows beneath the ship. Leia emerged from the gloom, her smile fond if somewhat resigned. A real ‘fare thee well’ look. “The Falcon really is built for running away, it seems.” 

“Why did I expect something like this?” Rey sighed. “I bet the Wookie told you I was going.”

“Of course he did, and I love him for it. I never believed in letting someone leave without a little sendoff. Where are you headed?”

“Jakku. There’s something I need to find back there. I might be awhile.”

“Is that so? Too bad. I was hoping for your help with something…”

“You know, I may come back.” Rey said hurriedly. Leia laughed and kissed Rey on the forehead, trying to straighten out her wispy hair.

“One who tries to please everyone pleases no one, Rey. I know how important being part of a family is. If you think it’s the right thing to do, then go find them. I won’t be the one to stop you.” She pressed a little box into Rey’s hand and withdrew. “Just remember who and what you’re leaving behind.” 

Rey nodded, not quite sure what Leia was driving at. So she just slipped the gift into a pouch on her hip and turned on her heels, feet clattering as she ran up the ramp, which closed behind her with a hiss. 

Leia leaned against one of the parked X-wings, her breath misty in the morning air. She watched the Falcon take off, her face blank. Over the years she’d watched so many people fly away in that hunk of junk, never to return. Hopefully this wouldn’t be another one of those moments. She was getting really tired of them.

——

“How much longer, d’you think?” Rey asked, leaning back in her seat and glancing over at her copilot. Chewbacca grunted out an answer, fiddling with a jammed lever. “That’s what I thought.” 

The hyperdrive was acting up. They’d figured that out when halfway to Jakku they’d dropped out of light speed in the middle of an asteroid belt. That had been an experience to remember. Rey was just getting up to make repairs when something caught her eye. A light was blinking furiously on the dashboard, one of the distress signals that she had installed on a private frequency. Exactly three people and one droid had access to it.

"BB-8?" she mumbled. Chewbacca rumbled in agreement, finally wrenching the lever free. They were back in business. So the question was where to go from here. BB-8 was closer, but who knew how long the family would stay on Jakku. Chewbacca was itching to get the droid back, to get tangled up in another adventure. But Rey shook her head and shrugged. 

“I know we’re close. We’ll come back for her, Chewie.” she insisted. “But we have to go back to Jakku. I just have to know for sure…” she trailed off, words failing her when she needed them most. What was it that she have to know so badly?

Did she want to know that she was loved? Was that it? She pictured Jessika, curled up in her bunk, clothes on the floor, wine on the nightstand, hand curled against the neatly folded letter Rey had left on the pillow beside her, right where Rey’s head usually was at this time in the morning. Leia, only hours ago, sending her off with a kiss and a gift. Finn, wherever he was. She didn’t trust anyone as much as she trusted him. Yes, she was loved, so what was it that she wanted?

_Family, remember?_ she reminded herself.  _I'm missing out on something important._

Or was she? Siblings, parents, a home. That’s what she thought she was running towards, but what was behind her? Well, there was Leia, who some of the pilots even called Mom. However briefly, there had been Han, and now there was Luke. Poe’s squadron were like brothers and sisters. Finn was her next door neighbour and best friend. And Jessika, Jessika filled a whole other category, one that no one else could. 

They didn’t share blood, some of them Rey had only just met. But she was certain about one thing, certain about a Resistance base up on a mountain, surrounded by more green than she thought existed in the whole galaxy. That was her home. That’s where she belonged. That’s where she was needed. So the question was what was she doing chasing after a new family, when the one she already had needed her help?

“Track down BB-8’s signal, Chewie.” she directed him, preparing for the jump to lightspeed. “We’re bringing her home.” Chewbacca grunted something smug, casting a sidelong glance at Rey. “Yeah, yeah, I know that you called it. Good for you. Now punch it.”

\----

She found the remains of Poe’s X-wing in a burnt up thicket on an abandoned First Order outpost, smashed beyond repair. That discovery would have been incredibly depressing, but she also found something else, a nervous, beeping something.

"BB-8? It's Rey. Come on out." She heard a thrilled trill and saw a grimy chrome head pop out of the top of the ship. The poor thing was stuck fast in the wreckage. She clambered up the heap of twisted metal as quickly as she could, almost slipping in her haste to get to the little guy. Stars, she had never wanted to kiss a droid so badly before. Come to think of it she had never wanted to kiss a droid at all. 

“I’ll get you out. Do you know what happened?” By the time she had worked the droid free she was completely filled in on the situation. BB-8 had tried to warn Poe, but he had flown straight into the line of fire, taking a hit that blew out one of his wings. They’d crashed, he’d hopped out, and then suddenly a squad of stormtroopers had him by the scruff of the neck. BB-8 had been stuck here ever since. 

“That’s awful. So they took him onto the Finalizer?” BB-8 nodded, shaking her head in defeat. “Oh, calm down. He might still be alive. You just get onboard, I’ll take care of it. What you need is a bath and a few hours in low power mode, got that?” She unbent BB-8’s antenna and smiled. “You’re safe now. And Poe will be too.” BB-8 clicked in agreement, rolling ahead of her and smacking straight into Chewbacca, who roared and nearly fell onto the shrieking droid. Rey sighed and wiped her ashy hands off on her shirt. This family was going to be the death of her.

\----

It was almost comical how easy getting onto the Finalizer was. Rey was tempted to start doing it for fun. Chewbacca had attached the Falcon to the back of the ship with instructions to rendezvous on an asteroid in the adjacent belt. A simplistic plan, but they were in something a rush. And at any rate it was effective. Rey had slipped into the hangar unnoticed, and one stolen stormtrooper uniform, two mind tricks, and three short-circuited cameras later she was standing in front of cell 52, a bamboozled stormtrooper at her side.

"Open the cell." she ordered him, keeping her voice low. The trooper stiffened, coming to attention before unlocking the door. It slid open with a soft hiss and Rey squinted into the darkness of the interrogation room.

When her eyes adjusted she let out a small sigh of relief. Poe was strapped to a chair, bleeding from a gash in his forehead, but looking better than Rey had dared hope. She had the stormtrooper remove his restraints, holding him upright when he slumped forwards.

“Easy, Poe. How are you feeling?” Poe coughed and cleared his throat, his voice coming out hoarse and scratchy.

”Aces." he rasped, leaning heavily against the wall. "Thanks, by the way. My leg was falling asleep." Rey tossed him her bag of pilfered clothes, almost managing a grin. 

“Put this on. We're getting out of here." 

"On that point we all agree." He unzipped the bag and glanced at the helmet sitting on the top of the pile. “Stormtrooper uniform, huh?” he mumbled. “I’m pretty sure I had a sex dream with Finn wearing this…”

“Did you say something?” Rey asked. She had been too busy erasing the other stormtrooper’s memory to take much notice of Poe. Thank the powers that be for that.

“Nope. Hey, did you see any TIE fighters on your way in?”

\---- 

 This close. They were this close to getting off of the Finalizer without anyone noticing them.

What had broken Rey’s winning streak was the moment when they tried to get into the hangar. Poe had been asked his designation number and had blurted out the only one he knew, which happened to be Finn’s. That turned out to be a mistake, seeing as he was sort of wanted for treason. In a manner of seconds they had a squad of stormtroopers surrounding them, weapons at the ready. That was just fantastic.

“I guess Finn isn’t exactly popular around these parts…” Poe mumbled. He and Rey were back to back, hands in the air and weapons on the ground.

“I agree.” Poe glanced at Rey’s feet, nodding at the metal rod she had dropped.

“Isn’t that a lightsaber? I remember hearing stories about the Jedi having those. They sounded fucking sweet…”

“It doesn’t work.” she told him. “Unless we use it as a grenade, which would, you know, kill us both.” 

“Yeah? Well I say it’s worth a shot anyways, because that guy does not look friendly.” He nodded at an approaching stormtrooper, taller than the rest, armour glinting silver in the bright lights and cape billowing out over broad shoulders. “So unless you’ve got any other ideas…”

Rey closed her eyes and sighed. To think, she could have been building a sandcastle right now back on Jakku. Oh well, now that she was here she may as well go all out. She looked down at her lightsaber, laying useless on the floor. Or maybe she was just being too harsh on the poor thing. After all, it might have sorted itself out when she did. She clenched her hands into fists and exhaled. She could do this. She could do this.

“Get to a TIE fighter.” she whispered to Poe. He gave her a mock salute, probably grinning under his helmet. Yeah, this guy was nuts.

“Roger that, kid.”

Rey reached out and the lightsaber flew back into her hand, both blades igniting together with a hiss. Bingo. She sliced one across the chest of the trooper in front of her, the other blade taking care of the blaster bolt that had been aimed at her back. Poe ducked out of the way of the reflected beam, picking up a blaster and running off to blend seamlessly into the sea of white uniforms. Rey smirked, deflecting another bolt of energy as she moved to follow him, taking down troopers as she went. Wow, this was going surprisingly well. She let a grin flit over her face before throwing herself back into the brawl, twirling her saber, hits landing with satisfying whistles and snaps of sparks, slicing through armour and steel as though they were sand. 

Oh, this was a weapon she could get used to.

\----

“We’re all fine Chewie, don’t you worry about it.” Rey called out as she and Poe limped onto the Falcon. “Just get us on our way, would you? Yavin-4.” The Wookie howled a greeting from the cockpit and the engines shuddered to life under their feet. Home free, baby. Now Rey could relax for the first time in a long while.

“And what’s on Yavin-4?” Poe asked as the two of them collapsed at the hologram table, nursing various cuts and bruises.

“BB-8 short-circuited yesterday. Dropped her off at your dad’s so that he could try his hand at repairs. BB-8 insisted on that, said if we went back to D’Qar you’d be up in the air before you should be.”

“That worrywart. Thanks for taking care of her, Rey. I’ve missed the little guy…” Rey grinned and activated the game board.

“No trouble. Fancy a game? Chewie's been teaching me.”

“Sure. Just don’t rip my arms off.” 

“I’ll try to resist. How's your head?"

"Eh." Poe waved her off and nudged one of his monsters to the other side of the board. “I’ll be good as new in a bit. Mostly I’m sore about my X-wing. Been flying her for ages, and a recovery mission would be too much trouble.” Rey nodded in sympathy, nudging Kintan over to threaten Poe’s Molator. Losing ships was a drag. She still missed the homemade speeder she had left behind on Jakku. Someone had probably scavenged it for parts by now…

“How did you get hit, by the way? Jess said it was a stationary cannon that did you in. Not what I expected the swan song of the best pilot in the Resistance to sound like. So the only conclusion I can draw is that you were supposed to be captured.” 

“Wow. You’re a bright one. I was being a false lead, I think. Details are kinda hazy, but I'm pretty sure that the general had Skywalker do some kind of Force trick, implant memories and plans in my head so I believed them. Red herrings, all of them. Sent the Order on a wild goose chase." Poe smirked, the holographic image of Rey’s Savrip tearing out his Houjix’s throat lighting up his tired face. “Ben sends his regards, by the way. That punk-ass bitch…” 

“He forced the plans out of you? You agreed to that?" Poe shrugged, almost surprised at Rey’s reaction. But then again, what was she saying? Of course he had agreed. All for the Resistance, anything for the cause. That’s just the type of guy Poe was.

"Well, yeah. Getting them tortured out of me was a drag, but hey, I get to see Finn again, so that's a plus. 'Course he's probably gonna beat the shit out of me for showing up looking like this." He licked his split lip and winced. “Kissing’s gonna be a pain. Dammit.”

"About Finn..." Her tone got Poe’s attention. He looked up, his face and mind alight with a frenzy of emotions. Concern, lust, hunger, longing, anticipation, fighting tooth and nail for space in his brain. And the only visible signal of all this were his creased eyebrows and tight lips. 

"What? Is he hurt again? Missing? Younger, prettier boyfriend? Details, woman. C'mon, please don't leave me hanging." There was a note of desperation peeking out from behind the playfulness in his voice. Rey sighed and settled back, watching as her Kintan was disembowelled. What had she even been planning to say?

"Nothing, it's nothing."

\----

"I heard you were back onboard with the Resistance. Welcome back to hell. I hope you know that you’ve dragged me back in with you.”

Rey rolled her eyes at the holographic image of her mentor, flickering in the doorway of the Falcon. He had popped up only minutes after the Falcon landed on Yavin-4. ”How'd you know?"

"Let's just say a little bird told me, and by little I mean huge and hairy. Hi, Chewie." Luke had turned to look at the Wookie, who was sitting beside Rey at the games table. “Now, back to business. Leia requested I pass a message on to you, Rey. It’s about Finn.” Rey groaned and set down her cup, turning to the hologram with a scowl on her face.

“I knew you were going to say that. How did I know you were going to say that? And don’t say the Force.” Rey insisted. Luke snorted, looking nervously around the ship.  

“Is Poe with you?” he asked, trying and failing to be casual. 

“He’s asleep. Should I-”  Luke shook his head with a little more urgency than was probably necessary. 

“No, no, let him rest. This won’t be something he’ll want to hear. Now, the box my sister gave you. Open it.”

Unsure where this was going, Rey pulled the parcel out of the pouch on her hip, undoing the clasp and flipping the lid open. Inside, she found a familiar crystal on a silver chain, glinting weakly in the sunlight. 

“This is Finn’s. Why…” She ran her thumb over it, her eyebrows drawing together as a sense of unease collected in the pit of her stomach. The unassuming little gem seemed twitchy, aggressive, as though it would snap at her like a mad dog. When she tried picking it up the flame of blue at its centre spiked black, and her hand drew back reflexively, as though from an open flame. She took a shuddering breath and looked up to find Luke watching her. “Something’s wrong. What’s happened to him?” 

Luke sighed and rested against an invisible wall, arms crossed over his chest. He was not looking forward to this conversation.

“I’m warning you now. What I’m about to tell you is going to be hard for you to hear…”

\----

Poe let out a breath, the first in what felt like hours. He’d been listening to Rey and Luke from the other side of the wall, not intending to eavesdrop, but figuring if anyone had the right to do so, it was him. What he heard wasn’t exactly easy on the ears.

One unsanctioned political assassination, two counts of murder, and a charge for desertion, all under Finn’s name. The guy had certainly kept himself busy in Poe’s absence.

“So that’s it? He’s gone?” That was Rey, her voice wobbling ever so slightly.

“As far as we know.” Luke’s voice was like gravel, old and papery. Poe hadn’t heard him in a few decades, not since he’d offered eight-year-old Poe a glass of water at Mom’s funeral. “There’s been pressure on Leia to indict him on charges of treason.”

No, not possible. Poe refused to listen to this any longer.  He darted out of his hiding place and across the lounge, ignoring the shocked faces of the people around the table and the hologram he had sprinted through. The ship was stifling, his lungs barely bringing in enough air. He somehow managed to get outside, barefoot and in nothing but his boxers, but he was sort of beyond caring about that, beyond caring about most things, really. He sprinted through the woods, blind to the glorious red sunset painting the forest in hues of gold and orange. It could be pitch black, for all he knew.

His feet took him into the middle of a familiar clearing, smack into the tree standing straight and tall at its centre. That seemed to knock the sense back into him, at least for now. He rubbed his throbbing forehead and cussed, trying to control his breathing. For a moment he rested with his forehead against the rough bark, gasping and shuddering, the stitches on his side smarting with each breath. He was imagining things. He had to be imagining things. Finn would never...

“Poe? Are you alright?”

Poe blinked and turned to Rey, his expression pained, but he tried for a smile when he saw the mirror image of his heartache flickering on her face. What an asshole he was, freaking out like that on a nineteen year old. She had taken the news way better than him. It was embarrassing.

“Sorry, kid. Wasn’t expecting to wake up to something like that…”

"Don't worry. Leia would never have Finn locked away, Poe. You know that."

Of course not. This was the woman who would have welcomed back Kylo Ren, hands stained with the blood of the innocent, head filled with lies, heart overflowingwith unfocused rage. Finn was no different. Poe took a deep breath and cleared his throat, his gaze falling on the necklace Rey had dangling in her hand, the pendant winking at him in the sunset. It calmed him down, for whatever reason.

“So that’s what happened to Finn. I was wondering why he hasn’t called. He’s gone awol?”

“Yeah, after what happened on Coruscant.” Rey confirmed. She caught him staring and tossed the necklace to him. He snatched it out of the air and let it lie in the palm of his hand. He had never seen it before, but there was something familiar about it, the steady flicker of blue light at its very heart, the way its glow seemed to warm up Poe’s whole body. Oh, he knew who this reminded him of.

"Does this symbolize what I think it does?" he asked, tracing one of the fault lines cutting across the side of the crystal. Rey shrugged and twirled her lightsaber absently. 

"More or less. I asked Luke about it, and he came up with what seems to be a plausible theory. He said that Finn might have accidentally used flashburn. It's a ability Force-users have, shuts down part of your brain, blocks out trauma, tampers with memories, makes pain easier to bear." Poe nodded, fiddling with the tarnished silver chain.

"It's like he turned back the clock to when he was with the Order, then? So the Finn we know, the one who broke me out, saved the galaxy, fought Kylo Ren, and did countless other incredible things..."

"-Is being destroyed from the inside out. The programming's taking over. If we don't do something soon..."

"Goodbye Finn, hello FN-2187." Poe concluded. “Oh, buddy. I leave you by yourself for two seconds…” 

He would go looking for Finn, of course he would. Poe hated being useless, hated waiting, hating being alone. If he found Finn, brought him back somehow...

"Poe..." Poe blinked and looked up, yanked out of his hopeless daydream. Rey had rested a hand on his arm, shaking her head ever so slightly. She must have read his mind. “I want to go as badly as you do, but there’s a war coming, and Luke needs my help. I wish I could…” Rey shrugged, her face inscrutable. “The second I have the chance I'm going to go find Finn. And Poe, no rash decisions, please? Stay safe. And keep that.” she said quickly, nodding at the necklace. 

"Since when have I been known as rash?" Poe grinned, tucking the crystal into his shirt and taking Rey by the shoulders. “I’m old, kid. You don’t have to worry about me. Worry about you, got that? That’s all we ask.” Rey nodded and gripped his hand, accepting the reassuring squeeze. 

"Take care of yourself." she told him when he pulled away.

“Right back at ya.” He chucked her on the shoulder and smirked. “Say hi to Jess for me.” Rey nodded, returning the smile with a wave of her hand. The sight of her, all youth and flux and anticipation made Poe sigh. A kid, that’s all she was, a kid who had lost more than she could even begin to take, who had grown up more accustomed to parting than meeting. Poe could relate. So much of their lives were made up of goodbyes. He was really craving a hello. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we having fun yet?


	7. Bar Hopping

It was raining, fat droplets striking his bedroom window with a steady pulse and rhythm that matched the pounding in his head. Poe blinked himself awake and looked up at the clock on the wall, groaning when he saw the time. He'd fallen asleep reading the notes on ship maintenance that he kept in the top drawer of his desk. He could always count on those when he couldn’t sleep. Better than any lullaby, but nowhere near as good as Finn’s arms around him…

Poe squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. Damn, he’d nearly managed to forget about this mess. He got up, intending to get into bed, but the empty space where Finn should have been loomed too large in the dark. Sighing, he slid down the wall, landing on his bedroom floor with an empty sounding thud. Middle of the night, he should be listening to the low rumble of Finn's snores in his bed, hearing the soft shuffling of his dad's footsteps upstairs. But his dad had gone to visit family someplace, and who knew where Finn had ended up. Some homecoming this turned out to be. 

He had let himself in, taken a shower, wandered aimlessly around for a bit, not wanting to wake a sleeping BB-8. He wasn't quite sure if you could wake a droid when they were in low power mode. He'd ask later. 

A model X-wing was lying at his feet, missing one of its wings. Wow, what great memories that brought back. Crawling out of the smoking remains of his ship, only to be captured and brought onto the Finalizer. What followed were days of torture, days of loneliness, days of hearing nothing but his running mantra of "Fuck I did it again I fucked up again I let them catch me again I told them everything I know and it's all gonna come crashing down and it's all gonna be my fault because I'm a fucking useless piece of shit who can't do anything right-"

_ Ñaño! _

He heard the excited little boop from the doorway and looked up to see a little orange and white ball weaving her way across the room. Despite it all a grin tugged at his lips.

"Hi, BB-8." he mumbled as the droid rolled over to him, beeping. "How're you doing?"

_Your rooms messy. You're never this messy. Only Finn's this messy._  BB-8 noted, rolling over a discarded pair of sweatpants to nuzzle her head under Poe's chin.  _You miss him a lot, don't you? You're pretending he's here, aren't you?_

"Yeah." Poe admitted, running his hand over the droid's shiny head. "I guess I am."

_Is he on a mission?_  BB-8 asked as she trundled around the room, trying to straighten things out. A difficult task when you take into account the fact that in essence she was a sentient beachball; Poe had to admire that kind of dedication.

"No, he's..." Poe shook his head and shrugged, picking at the stray threads on his shirt. "It's hard to explain, buddy."

_He'll be home soon._  BB-8 reassured him, straightening up with a pile of books balanced precariously on her head. When they inevitably toppled over she knocked into them with an annoyed beep.  _Crap!_

"Language." Poe chided absently, but he was thinking about what BB-8 had said, about Finn coming home. Now that was an appealing image. Poe closed his eyes and relaxed, imagining the front door being unlocked and kicked shut, a warm, cheerful voice singing in the foyer, boots being tossed into the corner with a careless thud, a series of bangs as cabinets were thrown open in a quest for snacks. Heavy footsteps in the hall, another door being kicked open, and then he'd look up and see Finn, leaning up against the doorway, a couple of beers in hand, a bag of chips under his arm and an impossibly wide smile on his face.

But that wasn't going to happen, not unless a certain pilot got his act together. 

"Hold that thought." he told BB-8, jumping up to go hunt for some clean clothes. While he dressed BB-8 rolled around him excitedly, doing his version of a jig. Then he nudged the door open and darted out, thrilled at the idea of another spontaneous adventure.

_Where are we going?_  she asked, rolling alongside Poe as he jogged over to the garage. He unlocked the door and pushed it open, exhaling in relief when he saw that the A-wing was still in one piece. Who knows what would have happened if they had never done those repairs.

"I have to find Finn, might be in trouble. Sorry buddy, I'm gonna have to leave you here for this one." BB-8 let out a distressed beep, shaking his head and rutting urgently against Poe's knee. "Hey, watch your tongue. Where did you even learn that?"

_ No, Ñaño, you can't go. You only ever leave me when you're doing something really stupidly dangerous. You just got back home. What if you get hurt? What if you don't come back?  _

"Then take care of yourself, and watch Dad for me. That's an order." Poe said gently. "Got that?" Not happy about it, but bound by his place as a subordinate, BB-8 backed off, head drooping in defeat as he rolled down the hill. Poe sighed, watching him. It sucked seeing the little guy so down, knowing he was the cause.

"I'll be back soon!" he called after the pitiful retreating figure. At that BB-8 spun around, suddenly looking as firm and determined as something his size could.

_ You will be! And Finn too?  _

"And Finn too." Poe answered, more for his own benefit. He tossed his bag into the cockpit and climbed in after it. He was going to save that stupid son of a bitch from himself, whether he wanted it or not.

While the engines warmed up he pulled the crystal out of his shirt, twisting his fingers around the thin silver chain. Blue, sky-blue, like a baby bird. He had found one, ages ago. A chick that had fallen out of its nest, who had tried to fly before its time. Poe knew the little guy wouldn’t make it, even as he held the ball of downy feathers in his upturned palms, coaxing, pleading, willing it back to life. But it had died anyways, one more flap of its wings, one last childlike chirp, and then it all stopped, body stiff and cold in Poe's grubby nine-year old hands. 

This time he wouldn't let that happen. He pressed his lips to the crystal, vaguely hoping for a type of fairy tale kiss, the kind that breaks spells, the kind that brings people back from the dead.

"Hey, buddy." he mumbled, his breath forming a mist on the crystal's glassy surface. "I'm coming." he promised. "Be there when I get to you." 

\----

Poe figured that the first step to getting Finn back was actually tracking the guy down. Unfortunately, the galaxy being as big as it was, this could prove to be a problem. The good news was that even if Poe was completely lost on that point, there was somebody who would probably have better luck than him.

He landed the A-wing at the edge of the forest and hopped out, gratefully inhaling the fresh, outdoorsy musk of dirt and leaves while he looked up at the imposing concrete castle in front of him. Maz had swindled some poor bastard out of it while she repaired hers, swooping in and setting up shop sooner than you could say rigged game. Good location, actually, lots of smuggling traffic, there was talk of her keeping it. Finn always made a point of dropping by when they were in the area, have a few drinks, take a breather. It was a little bit like their honeymoon, only spread out over several months. They'd come back when this mess was cleared up, no doubt about that. 

He pushed the door open and slipped inside, squinting in the low-hanging cloud of cigarette smoke that seemed to permeate the building. He spotted Maz was at the other end of the room, chalking up her cue and laughing. Then she caught his eye and waved, hopping off of the pool table and meeting him halfway across the bar.

"Rey sent you." she said simply, before Poe had a chance to even say hello. "She was by a few days ago, gambled her way into a couple hundred credits with only minimal use of the Force. I'm very proud." Poe laughed and shifted his helmet to the other arm, fiddling with the chain around his neck with his free hand. 

"Sent me? She explicitly told me not to leave home."  

"I don't know what she said to you, I just know what she said to me. And she said to save a spot at the bar for Poe Dameron, because that idiot's going to come running in here asking for my help."

"Wow." Poe blinked, a little bit thunderstruck by the accuracy of Rey's prediction. Maz just laughed and pat his arm, giving him a knowing wink.

"That girl is young, but she knows the Force. And if you know the Force, you come to know people. What they'll think, what they'll do, who they'll love...but we can save that talk for later. I've just cheated my way into winning a case of Whyren's Reserve, batch number NN182, rarest of the rare. Han would have killed for a teaspoon of the stuff. I have a bottle with your name on it, on the house if you play me a good, honest game of pool."

Yes, a good, honest game of pool played against someone who could control the trajectories, speeds and spins of every ball on the table. Poe didn't think so. "I'm in a bit of a rush, Maz..." he insisted gently. Maz sighed and tugged at Poe's wrist, her jewelry jangling with cheerful metallic clinks as she led him over to a table.

"I know, but you can't blame me for trying to swindle you. Old habits die hard, after all, and habits my age die harder. Well, hand it over then." Unsurprised that she knew what was coming, Poe reached into his shirt and pulled out the crystal, untangling the chain from around his neck. Maz climbed up onto the stool beside him, watching the light bounce off of the gem.

"Now don't expect much. Tracking down objects with the Force, I can do. But finding someone using one..." She shrugged and inspected the weakly pulsing crystal cradled in the palm of her hand. "Well, there's always a first time. What I can tell you is that Finn is fading fast. Two days at most, I say, before we lose him. But that doesn't answer my question..." She spent a good five minutes scrutinizing it, not seeming to realize what a mess she was making of Poe. In the end he couldn't help but pipe up.

"If there's anything you can do, please-" Before he could finish talking Poe was yanked down by the collar of his jacket. He found himself at eye level with Maz, who was staring at him with eyes blown five times their usual size, brown irises flecked with hints of amber and gold.

"Why do you want him back so badly?" she demanded, scrutinizing his face. "What is so special about a coward who wants so badly to run away, hm? Why does he deserve to be helped?"

Poe was about to protest, but something stopped him. He knew this feeling, of someone being inside your head, of someone prying into your mind. Kylo had done this to him, but this was different. Then it had been painful, but now, looking at Maz's wrinkled, weather-beaten face, he felt almost comforted. Looking at her, he knew that she wanted Finn to be alright as much as he did. 

"Please." he repeated, keeping his voice controlled. "I need your help." 

Satisfied, Maz drew back with a nod, clicking her glasses back to their default setting. She placed the crystal in the palm of Poe's hand, cupping it in both of hers.

"You're getting it."

\----

Coruscant underworld, Level 1313, base of operations for at least five notorious crime rings. How Finn even knew about this place was beyond Poe's understanding.  

He leaned against the rust stained wall, cradling his drink in his hand. Talk about your hives of scum and villainy. Poe had been in some dives over the years, and this one took the cake, no question about it.

There was a brawl making its way over to his side of the bar. Poe grabbed his drink and stood, jumping out of the way when some poor bastard got his face slammed into the countertop. His lackeys appeared and pinned his assailant while their boss caught his breath, his red face turning a most unbecoming shade of purple. He swore and scrambled to his feet, turning to growl at the hooded man who had started this.

"You think you can cheat me?" he sputtered, jabbing a fat finger at the man who had gone limp in his captors arms. "Think I'm dumb or something?"

"Yeah." the man said simply. "Yeah, I think you're a fucking dumbass who can't tell a pool cue from his own ass."

Roaring, the red-faced man lurched forwards blindly at the hooded man, a switchblade emerging from somewhere within his sleeve. But his clumsy slashing only seemed to amuse his opponent, who ducked so the knife plunged into the arm of one of the men who had him pinned, who dropped with a howl. He punched the red-faced man in the gut and disarmed him, taking the knife and slicing it across the forehead of the other man who had been holding his arms in place. When those three were writhing in pain on the ground he cast a lazy glance around the bar, his look casual, relaxed even.

"Anyone else?" he asked. The other two thugs snarled and launched themselves at him, knives at the ready. That only made the smirk spread further across his face. 

By the time it was over five bodies were lying unconscious on the floor. As a collective the bar took about two minutes to take in the scene before going back to its business. The last man standing snorted and leaned up against the bar, flipping back his hood to nurse at a split lip. Poe gulped, staring at him. He would never distrust Maz again, as far as tracking people down went. He'd still be apprehensive about her poker game, though. 

"Finn?" he ventured. That didn't get a response, so he tried again. "FN-2187." It broke Poe's heart to call him that, but from the looks of things that's all he could do.

Finn turned to him, casual recognition flickering across his face. Now Poe hadn't been sure who he was going to meet, but if that look said anything, it was that FN-2187 was the one steering.  

"You look like you need a drink." he began lamely. Pick up lines didn't seem appropriate, all things considered, but what else could he do?

"I'd disagree, but I don't have the presence of mind to do so. Hi, Dameron. It's been awhile."

\----

"How's your head?" Poe asked, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over them. They sat side by side at the bar, elbows barely skimming. The touch was enough to melt Poe's heart, though.

"Why d'you care?" Finn mumbled. He hadn't touched the ice pack Poe had brought for him, but was paying special attention to the bottle of rotgut at his elbow. Despite his drunken state Finn sat with his back ramrod straight, his expression hard and stiff. It wasn't a look Poe had ever expected, or wanted, to see on Finn's face. It was the look that meant he had lost him, that something inside of him had snapped in half and now lay like the shattered glass beneath their feet.

"Because I care about you." Poe admitted. Finn snorted and nudged one of the shards on the ground with his toe, licking gingerly at his split lip.

"That makes one of us." He spat out some blood and leaned closer to Poe, squinting at him with nothing but scientific curiosity. "Wow, you look real. I'm more fucked up than I thought..."

"What?" Finn shrugged and grabbed Poe's drink, tossing it back without a moment's hesitation.

"When I'm drunk I see things, and when I wake up tomorrow with a hangover I'll realize that."

"You hallucinate?"

"How do you think the Order controlled us?" Finn asked, inspecting the stained rim of his shot glass. "They had their way with our heads, Dameron. They knew just which strings to pull, just what to show us to make us snap. Friends, family, it makes sense that they'd show me you. You're my biggest weakness, after all."

"I'm not dead, Finn."

"And I'm not a psychopathic freak. Admit it. You're scared of me." Finn said, his voice like steel. "You think I'm a monster. You're right."

"You're not a monster, Finn."

"Oh yeah? Just how are you going to prove that? How are you going to convince me that I'm not what the whole world's telling me I am? I'm a stormtrooper, a monster in a uniform. Used to be Phasma who had me on a leash, but now I've got nothing holding me back. No rules, no regulations, nothing between me and the hatred I've been raised on." he paused, snorting in lazy derision.  "I'm drunk." he decided. "I'm only ever this emotional when I'm drunk."

"I'd hate to see you sober." Poe muttered. Finn shot him a dirty look and flipped up his hood.

"So we done here, or what?"

"Buddy, I'm never gonna be done with you." he pointed out, following Finn out of the bar. "Get used to it."  

"That a fact?" Finn said absently. They walked on in silence until, and Poe had foreseen something like this, Finn grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him into an alleyway, pinning him to the wall with a blaster pressed to the middle of his chest. Poe almost rolled his eyes, but decided against it at the last second, seeing Finn's face.

"Why not?" he demanded, digging the blaster into Poe's sternum. "What do you want from me?"

His face was closer to Poe's than it had been in awhile. It wasn't Finn's face, though. Pupils constricted with hatred, mouth twisted in a sneer, the rotting burn of cheap liquor on his breath. Every aspect of him appeared closed off, stone cold, screaming at Poe to fuck off, to run away, to give up on his pathetic dream of bringing a dead man back into the light.

Yeah, right. As if Poe was that easy to get rid of.

"You. I want you back, Finn. I want you to come home." At the very least his candid honesty caught Finn off guard. For a second his eyes cleared, the dark clouds seemed to evaporate. The crystal resting on Poe's collarbone grew warm. It made Poe believe that he was getting him back, if just for a moment. It made him believe that Finn was coming home. 

Then he found himself facedown in the gutter, ears ringing and nose gushing blood. When he managed to look up he saw Finn standing above him, the butt of his blaster red and dripping. Bastard had fucking pistol-whipped him. It went without saying that the clouds were back in his eyes, but more than that, there seemed to be a storm brewing. Poe pulled himself up and spat some blood out onto the ground.

"Alright. So now we know how you feel about that idea..." Finn scowled at Poe, his look enough to shut him up.

"Next time we meet, I won't be quite so sentimental." Finn promised. He shoved the blaster out of sight under his jacket, turning away with crushing finality. "Leave me alone, Dameron. Just stay dead."


	8. First Aid

If the undercity had any redeeming qualities, it was the real estate. There were plenty of empty buildings in this hellscape, rickety old things frequented by vagabonds and murderers, and Finn. He'd claimed an apartment on the third floor of an abandoned tenement, across the hall from an arms dealer. He climbed in through the window and rested his forehead against the glass, breathing hard. 

That had been so real, that nightmare, too real. He held his breath, trying to control the quaking in his chest. It had been a dream, right? Poe was definitely dead, Finn must just be too fucking stupid to realize that. Blood roared in his ears, his head tipped one way and his stomach went the other. He grit his teeth and tried to steady himself. He had to get away. He had to get this guy out of his head. But what else was there for him to focus on? 

The floor creaked behind him, soft footsteps padding towards Finn, quiet and unintrusive but definitely there. He snarled and whirled around, ready to hurl himself at Poe, ready to beat the ghost senseless. But who he saw before him stilled his rage, although it still burned like a pyre inside him. 

“Hi, Eight-Seven.” Slip smiled, the same shy grin that had made Finn weak in the knees before he was allowed to understand why. “Remember me?”

Of course he did. Slip was just another one of the nightmares that hadn't been content to confine itself to the space beneath Finn’s bunk, to melt in with the shadows that disappeared with the moon. 

"Fuck off." Finn said curtly. He turned back to the window, his wrists digging into the smooth, blade-like metal. “You dead people enjoy hanging around me far too much.”

“Well, you’ve let us in, Eight-Seven, and a good thing you did. I’ve missed talking to you.” Finn rolled his eyes and snorted, staring out at the glassy buildings reflecting artificial sunlight. He missed, without knowing that he did, the open sky he had left behind on Yavin-4. 

“That a fact? I haven’t missed you.” 

“We both know that’s a lie.” Slip insisted gently. Finn felt a clammy hand on his wrist and looked down. Blood was caked on the ripped sleeve of Slip’s shirt, the trail of it snaking up his arm, blooming from the space between his shoulder and the base of his neck. Slip sighed, catching Finn’s eyes as they drifted up to look at him. “That Dameron guy’s a good shot. I’m surprised that he missed you.”

Right now Finn wished Poe hadn’t missed, wished that the bolt of blue energy had found its mark in his skull or chest, blasted him off his feet, jerked him out of consciousness, his last shuddering gasp inaudible behind a blood streaked helmet. That’s what should have happened. He should have died then and there. Poe should have been tortured and executed. The Order should have won. He had fucked everyone up, hadn’t he?

Slip nodded, sliding his hands over Finn’s shoulders, his touch like a winter breeze. “No offence, but you sort of did. Especially for that pilot. He doesn't realize you're gone, even now. It hurt you, didn't it? Seeing him again, knowing he could never love you, a monster.”

“A monster, huh? What does that make you?”

“Exactly my point. I’m just like you. We belong together, the freaks, the beasts of the world. I understand you better than anyone else could. I understand the pain you feel, the heartbreak, the fear. It’s killing you, slowly but surely it’s destroying you. So wouldn't it be better if you couldn't feel, Eight-Seven? Wouldn't it be better to go back to what things were? You've always been an outsider, so here's your chance to belong. Come back to me, Eight-Seven. Come back home."

He traced his fingertips over Finn's face, from the top of his forehead down to his mouth, letting his thumb rest on the stunned trooper's lower lip. He leaned in close, blood on his breath, venom in the kiss his clouded eyes promised. Helpless, Finn was completely helpless against the man he had spent a lifetime protecting.

“You don’t need this anymore.” Slip purred, his fingers ghosting over Finn’s hand, locked in a vice grip around a dark green bottle. “You have me now. I can help. I can take away your pain.” Finn shuddered at the words, the escape they offered, the freedom that came with accepting them as truth. “So what do you say?”

The resistance that had been building in Finn’s chest crumbled, the resolve clouding his mind dissipated like fog at dawn. What followed was clarity, a sudden understanding of how the world turns. This was what he needed. This was who he needed. 

"I want you." Finn breathed. Slip’s arms found their way around Finn's neck, their chests wound up pressed together, one heartbeat enough between the two of them. Finn stilled at the touch, neither accepting nor rejecting it, waiting for orders to follow. He couldn’t read Slip’s smile. He didn’t know where to go from here. Then Slip’s lips grazed his and the world rushed back in. 

“Kiss me.” Slip whispered. He didn’t have to ask twice. Finn dropped the bottle and gripped Slip tight, dug his nails into his back, kissed him hard, making no attempt to be gentle, no effort to mask the desire burning him from the inside out. Slip was too cold and pale, hands standing out stark white against the darkness of Finn’s skin, blue veins traceable on closed eyelids and bloodless lips holding no breath behind them. Finn wanted to warm him up, make him gasp and sweat, hand over everything to him, fill his emptiness with what little of himself there was left.

So that’s what he did, giving until there was nothing left to give. And when he opened his eyes he barely felt the shards of glass buried in his leg, nor worried about the blood dripping down his calf. Or was it drink that was soaking through his skin? He couldn’t tell which, maybe both.

Finn rested against the window, casting a wary glance around the empty room. He ran a thumb over his lips and found them cool to the touch, the ghost of Slip’s imaginary taste clinging to him. He waited for a sensation in his chest, that bubbling over of affection or lust or yearning, but there was only a dull echo in the empty space where his heart used to be, silence where there should have been a sob. Oh well, not like it mattered now. He couldn’t care anymore, not even about himself.

\----

In a garage across town Poe dropped the wrench he’d been holding and stumbled backwards, a stabbing pain shooting across his chest. He gasped and staggered into a workbench, willing away his double vision and the ringing in his ears, trying to understand what was happening.   

"What the fuck..." He scrabbled at the collar of his shirt, hands coming away bloody and scratched. "What even..." He looked down and his heart all but stopped.  Finn’s crystal had shattered against his chest, glassy fragments embedded in his skin, glinting wet and red in the low light. Poe choked back a cry and took a breath, desperate to keep control over himself. He breathed out, counting to five, ignoring the trembling of shock beginning to overtake his limbs.  

No chance of there being a medic in this dump. He would have to make do with what he had. There was a med kit in his ship, it should do the trick. He dragged it out and rifled around in there for a bit, coming across an ampule of antishock, a tablet or two of painkillers, more than he had dared hope for. He grabbed all three, dry swallowing the pills and prepping the syringe with trembling hands, wincing when the needle slid into his forearm, the liquid inside pooling thick in his veins. Then he waited as the numbness spread through his body, watching the tremor go out of his fingers. 

 With that dealt with he grabbed the kit and stood, taking careful steps towards the fresher in the corner of the room. He pulled off his shirt and examined himself in the mirror as he sterilized the tweezers and pulled on a pair of gloves. Shrapnel wounds, not too deep, but embedded enough that it hurt like hell. He bit his lip and pried out a shard, dropping it in the sink where it clinked against the rusty metal. He knew the crystal had been connected to Finn somehow, a sort of health bar, as Poe had come to think of it. Something awful had happened to him, something Poe wasn’t sure he could fix. That didn't mean he wasn't going to try. 

He looked down at the shard he was holding, a thin sliver of summer sky winking in his bloody palm. The sky back home, his playpen, his stomping ground. He missed it so badly and the aching in his chest testified to that. He'd get back there soon, and if things went his way, Finn would be right by his side.

\----

As much as Poe wanted to bring Finn back, there was something holding him back, something that made him tentative to act. Something that Finn had said himself, actually. Not the stuff from yesterday, about staying dead. No, Poe wasn't about to become a memory. He was thinking back further. 

 It was months ago, now. That weekend that had started all this. Tuesday Poe had wanted to go outside, do some flying, hiking, something. Instead, at Finn's insistence they had holed up in Poe's bedroom, kept their clothes on the floor, kissed the day away with shitty romance holofilms and a bucket of ice cream.   

Around four in the afternoon Poe had been lying with his head in Finn's lap while the latter fiddled with his hair, twisting corkscrew curls out of the mangled bedhead. They were playing a slow game of Truth Or Dare, picking it up every now and again, whenever their wandering minds focused long enough to think up a question. 

"Who's turn is it?" Finn had asked. Apparently inspiration had struck.

"Mine. Let's go with truth."

"What would you change about me?" Finn asked. Poe blinked and rested his cheek against Finn's stomach, thinking about his answer.

  _Nothing._ Poe wanted to say.  _You're a perfect, radiant human being and I love every single part of you and your breathtaking body and genius brain and sparkling soul._  

"You snore." he decided. Finn grimaced and shook his head stubbornly.

"No I don't."

"BB-8 can vouch for me. Your turn."

"Truth."

"What would you change about me?" Poe had asked, taking hold of Finn's hand and kissing it. Turns out Finn had a rather prophetic answer for that.

"You're too rash." he had answered, staring down at Poe with a soft, dewy look in his eyes. Force, Poe missed that look, now more than ever. "One day, you're gonna get yourself killed. I don't want that to happen." 

"It won't. Cross my heart..." Poe began, hooking his pinky around Finn's and squeezing gently. Finn let out a sigh and pressed his lips to the top of Poe's head. "...and hope to die."

He meant it. They both knew that he meant it.

\----

And now Poe was worried that he was about to break his promise, trying to save the very man he had sworn himself to. Poe had tracked Finn down into the industrial district, ending up alone with him in an empty hangar. As it turns out, that was a pretty stupid idea.

Generally people were easier to talk to when they're sober. This turned out to be the exception to the rule. Poe realized this when his head hit the pavement and he choked on a mouthful of blood, Finn’s face a dark blur above him.  

But was it really Finn? It had to be a stranger hiding behind those bloodshot eyes, pulling Finn’s face into such a terrifying grimace. Whoever it was, they wanted Poe dead, and they wanted to enjoy beating the life out of him. Poe could’ve been killed awhile ago, but now he was just being toyed with, stuck on the receiving end of a sick game of cat and mouse. 

“Stay down.” the stranger growled. He grabbed Poe’s collar and yanked him close, ignoring Poe's sharp cry when he elbowed him in the ribcage, already purple with bruises. “Get the fuck out of my head.” 

"I'm not dead, Finn." Poe groaned. "Listen to me, for the love of..." Nothing, not even a courtesy pause before Poe had a blaster pressed to his forehead, the unforgiving ice of the metal spreading through his body, freezing him in place.

“There’s no one here for you to save, got that? Whoever you’re looking for, he stopped existing awhile ago.” And yet something stilled Finn’s hand. Something kept his finger off of the trigger. Poe didn’t know what, but he wasn’t about to question the only thing keeping him alive.

"Finn." he gasped, fighting the tears beginning to collect in the corners of his eyes. "Your name's Finn, got that? Your name's Finn. Your favourite song is "Light the Sky on Fire". You cry when droids die in holofilms. You always, always, beat me at dejarik..." 

Poe found himself babbling, bringing up every single piece of information about Finn he could remember, every bit of that sky-blue soul that couldn't be allowed to disappear. Favourite colour, cutest quirk, any of it, all of it, in a desperate plea to get him back.

It was like those nights spent alone in the medbay, those nights watching Finn's chest rise and fall, rise and fall, watching the flowers on the bedside table droop a little more with each passing day. This is what Poe had done then, too, although he had less to work with. But he had said it all, and when he woke up one morning, Finn's hand smoothing through his uncombed hair, a smile on those dark lips that Poe would learn were kissing-soft, he knew that there would always be more for him to say. If only Finn would give him the chance.

"Home, remember? I was going to take you home." Blood was dripping down the side of Finn's face, seeping out of a scar that had opened itself up again. Poe rubbed at it, not really thinking about what he was doing. "I was going to teach you to fly. You were going to show me the pictures you saw in the stars. I was going to love you, and you were going to love me." Finn’s eye twitched, but just barely. ”Tell me you haven't forgotten that. Wake up, Finn." Poe pleaded, his voice cracking. "You have to wake up."

“Why are you doing this?” Finn demanded, but the bite had gone out of his voice. “You can’t trust me. I’ll kill you. I'm a monster." 

“No you won’t. You’re-“ Poe tried to sit up and hacked, blood splattering his lips and dribbling down his cheek, leaving rusty streaks on his face, brittle and crumbling. He opened his mouth to continue, but nothing came out but blood, frothy and thick. Finn released his grip and scrambled backwards, the look on his face impossible to read. But he was going to run, that much was clear. Poe tried to shake his head but he was choking on the blood in his throat, eyes gone wide with panic, fingers scrabbling for purchase on the concrete.

”Poe?” Finn's voice was different, but Poe couldn't focus. He was trying to bring Finn back when he was barely holding on himself. It was impossible. It was hopeless. But he couldn't let Finn know that. 

“You can't run. No running, got that? Don't run away." Poe blinked, trying to get his vision back. A lot of blood, he had lost a lot of blood. "Don't leave." That’s what he wanted to say, at least. His words were more thought than substance, dead on arrival. All he could manage were ragged gasps, and even those were getting weaker. "Don't leave me..."

When Poe closed his eyes Finn was still standing above him, blurry indecision flickering across his face. He hadn't left yet.

 ---- 

 Finn’s eyes snapped open and he gasped, trying to remember how to breathe. Blood. He smelled blood. He rolled out of the bed and scrambled over to the light switch, basically punching it in his rush to get out of the dark. He turned to look around the room, the floor, the walls, Poe's sleeping form in the cot. Nothing, all clear. Relief flooded through him, that is until he went to flick the light off.  Blood was dripping down the wall from his handprint on the light switch, slick and red, forming a little pool on the floor. Finn covered his mouth and gagged as what was happening dawned on him. 

He was drenched in blood. It was in his mouth, splashed across his front. When he pressed his hands to his arms he felt it crumbling beneath his fingertips like a thick coat of paint. Panic tore through him, matching the pace of his racing memories. People, dead people, the image of their broken bodies sounded the alarms in his head. Who exactly he struggled to remember, but he saw Poe. Poe backing fearfully into a corner, Poe beaten and bruised, slumped against a wall, eyes glassy and neck twisted at an unnatural angle, limbs snapped and useless and bones jutting out of his spent carcass. And the blood, smears and splashes and splotches and streaks, clawing its way towards Finn, finding him, suffocating him.

Finn stumbled into the bathroom and retched into the sink, gripping the rim so tightly his knuckles trembled. Coughing, he turned on the tap and looked up at his reflection in the cracked mirror. The distorted image of his face stared back at him, gaunt and ashen where it wasn’t shiny with blood. He wiped the vomit from his lips and shuddered, wondering what had happened, biting back a whimper when pain stabbed through his head. Better not to think about any of it.

He stumbled into the shower, cursing the tap that wouldn't cooperate with his unsteady hands. The icy burst of water blinded him, stole the breath from his lungs, stilled his trembling limbs. Under it the blood began to liquify, running down his body and staining the tub, the reek of it only getting stronger.

He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath, his chest aching from trying to keep everything out. But before long he was gasping, choking around the pain in his chest. Defeated, he struggled down to the floor, his legs shaking. He left a bloody smear on the wall behind him, which dripped back down onto his shivering shoulders. Bile washed slick over his tongue, spreading a dull metallic taste that he didn’t want to think about. The dreams and memories whipped through his head like a storm, indistinguishable from each other, leaving him breathless and stranded.

“He fell behind and I-what have I done?” There had to be something to cling to, something real. “I’m still…but I don’t want this.” he muttered weakly. “I don’t want to be this way.” Guilt welled up in his chest and he buried his head in his arms, coiling himself up into a shivering ball. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault…”

He wiped his face but flinched, getting a glimpse of the blood still clinging under his fingernails. As he stared, wondering numbly how he’d ever get rid of that, the bed in the other room squeaked, the springs protesting as the weight on them lifted. Finn covered his face as he heard a shuffling gait limp towards him, willing the nightmare away and failing to do so.

"Finn? How long have you been in there?" He just couldn't stop his eyes from opening. Poe stood in the doorway, intact, arms crossed tightly over his chest, pity and self-reproach flickering across his face. But in his state all Finn saw was disgust. And he was relieved. If Poe hated him, he was safe. If he hated him, what Finn did had no consequence. But despite himself his heart broke a little bit with the realization. Now he really was alone. If Poe hated him, then he really was a monster.

“I…” He was going to hurt Poe. He was going to kill him. “Don’t.” he pleaded when Poe shut off the shower and crouched down beside the tub. As the water drained away Finn could see where streaks of red dyed the white enamel. "You're already dead. You're gone. I'm imagining things. I'm insane. I…” He tried to go on but his words were squelched by the sinking feeling in his stomach. When Poe tried to touch his cheek Finn flared up and smacked his hand away. “Fucking leave me alone already!”

“Why should I?” Poe asked him. Finn opened his mouth, a retort burning on his lips, but then he made the mistake of looking up at Poe's face. His former resolve crumbled, made him ashamed of the flash of an emotion. He was supposed to have gotten rid of those. 

“I don’t…” What could he say? How could he make Poe realize the mistake he was making? Finn opened his mouth, but this just wasn’t something he could articulate. But just when the silence got too long Poe spoke up.

"Look at me, Finn." he took Finn's hand, the gentle pressure commanding his attention. Finn blinked at their entwined hands, entranced by the way their fingers interlocked, the bandages wrapped around Poe's hand, the blood under his own fingernails. Poe stroked the dip between Finn's thumb and forefinger, his touch light enough to be imaginary. "Tell me why I have to leave."

Now there seemed to be words for what Finn was feeling. Too many, in fact. So when he took a breath and opened his mouth, what resulted was a flood, a vulnerable cry for help.

“I don’t understand.” he choked out. “I don’t understand why you’re here because you're supposed to be scared of me. That’s why. It’s not supposed to go like this. You’re doing it wrong. You're supposed to want to kill me and I should want to kill all of you but I don't but I probably will and everything's all wrong and I don’t know what to do I just know that I’m dangerous and no matter what I want I’m going to kill you.” His voice had risen in an angry crescendo. “I’m going to kill you!”

Poe stroked Finn's cheek while he repeated the sentence over and over, fearfully and angrily by turns. The words were spat out like a poison, pronounced like a death sentence, but always with a tremulous voice and clenched jaw. Finally Finn looked up, helpless and unhinged, eyes empty and questioning.

“I don’t know why I’m going to kill you.”

“Who told you that you would?”

“No one, but I…” The words dissolved on his lips into a painful, hacking cough.

“Shit…” Poe mumbled, running his hands over Finn's trembling shoulders. “Out. Right now.”

“Do I have pneumonia? Oh, well. That takes care of me then.” All of a sudden Finn’s whole body convulsed in a fit of insane laughter, ugly and jagged noises being choked out between hollow coughs. Poe rubbed Finn's back, waiting for him to settle down. When he finally did he shook his head and wiped his nose, gasping. "I'm sorry, Poe." he mumbled. "You must think I'm a fucking psycho..."

“Never, buddy. C’mon. Up we go.” When Finn took hold of Poe's hand he noticed something. The blood. The blood was gone. He'd been imagining it. It was all in his head. Poe tugged him upright and kissed him on the cheek, wrapping a towel around his shivering frame. “Better?” Finn nodded and took a deep breath.

Then all at once he turned into a shaking, bawling mess, the sobs making him lurch forwards, arms clutched to his stomach. Poe bit his lip and nodded. This would be the hard part.

“Easy. Easy, big guy.” Poe steadied him and led him by the hand into the front room. He had him curl up naked on the bed, a pillow clutched tightly to his heaving stomach.

"Two seconds. I'll be two seconds." Poe stumbled back into the fresher, where he'd seen his clothes folded neatly on the counter. He dug out his communicator and typed out a message, hoping that Rey would see it sooner rather than later. 

_ Found Finn.  _ Not a second later he got his reply.

_ Thank the Maker. He stable? _

_ So far. What's the General gonna say? _

_ Let me deal with that. You take care of Finn. Give him my love. _

_ Will do. Watch yourself, kid. _

He set down the communicator and glanced at his reflection in the mirror. Finn had bandaged him and cleaned him up, neat rows of stitches standing out on his chest and stomach, sewn by a firm and steady hand. Poe sighed and limped back into the front room, finding Finn sitting on the bed, back pressed to the wall, wrapped in a blanket with his head tucked to his knees.

"Rey says hello.” Poe said softly. Finn lifted his head and nodded, eyes cloudy and confused, looking like an injured animal. Poe sighed and flopped down at the foot of the bed, arms thrown behind his head. “She also told me to give you her love.”

“Huh.” Finn blinked at Poe, eyes travelling slowly up and down his body. Eventually he shed the blanket and crawled over, curling up with his cheek pressed to Poe’s stomach. Poe sighed and pulled the blanket back over him. “You gotta stay warm, buddy. I don’t want you catching anything.” Without answering Finn closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. “What’s up?”

“Poe, please, you gotta be honest.” Finn mumbled. Poe lifted Finn's face and rubbed a cut on his cheek. “How…” He took a shaky breath before continuing. “How did you feel, when I changed?” Poe took his time before answering, watching his hand roam over the contours of Finn's upper body, fingers dipping into the scar on his back, working into the damp skin. The guy was tense, muscles pulled taut to the point where he was trembling.

It was like he had taken a step backwards, like someone had rewound the tape to the first time Poe had met Finn, before that, really. When he was just another stormtrooper, when physical contact equated corporal punishment and nothing more. When he still wasn’t used to the feeling of being touched, not examined. Out of love instead of scientific curiosity or disgusted contempt. Out of Poe's own volition. He may as well be holding Finn's heart together, he was that vulnerable.

“Mostly I was scared.” Poe decided. Finn nodded in agreement. It was an honest answer, he was sure of it. There was that frank expression on Poe's face, and the guy couldn't lie for shit. Of course he was scared. He had every reason to be scared. Finn nodded again, shameful tears burning his eyes. Poe noticed them and shook his head, trying to backpedal. 

“No, no, not because of you. Not because I think you’re going to hurt me. It’s because I had no way of knowing if you were safe. Look, I’m not gonna pretend nothing's wrong. I’m not gonna pretend that you don’t scare the shit out of me sometimes. But that’s only sometimes, and that doesn’t change any of the good things. You’re worth every minute of the hard things.” Poe ran his fingers through Finn's hair and sighed. “You gotta understand that. The fact I’m scared means I’m worried, it doesn’t mean I hate you. I couldn’t hate you if I tried.”

"Wouldn't hating me be easier, though?" Finn wondered, fiddling with the ragged edge of Poe’s shirt. "I hurt people, I hurt you. I was beyond help. Everyone was telling you that I was gone. So why did you bother trying to bring me back?”

“Because I trust you. I know that eventually, you’ll find your way back to me. And then I’m not scared anymore. And you shouldn’t be, either.” Finn nodded, moving up to nestle his face in Poe's neck, lips warm on his collarbone. "You got that?"

“Yeah.” Finn agreed. He didn’t quite mean it yet, but it was a start. 

“Great.” Poe tilted his head back and sighed, the pressure of Finn’s body a welcome weight, even with the bandages and stitches. “And look, about how you hurt me, that wasn't on you. That was beyond your control; that was just the shit going down in your head. That's not who you are, Finn. That is not you. You're actually pretty fucking delightful. You have to realize that you're not the bad guy, that I'm not gonna be mad at you or blame you when things go wrong."

“C'mon, that's a lie. Something I did must've made you lose it. Something I did must've made you hate me, at least a little bit." Poe shrugged, wrapping his arms around Finn's back, turning so they were face to face.

“I was mad, when you ran off,” he admitted, his voice soft. “That’s when I was mad. You can’t ever do that again. That’s when I thought I’d never see you again, Finn. That’s when I thought I’d lost you for sure.” Finn sighed and hugged Poe to his chest, being careful of the wounds.

“I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you, Poe. You don’t deserve it and I know I’m asking for the world-“

“-And I’ll give it to you. Along with any others I come across.” Poe kissed Finn's neck and smiled against the skin. “I promise.” Finn sighed in relief, letting his hands drop to the mattress and blinking at Poe with a sleepy almost-smile. 

“You’re gonna let me stay? You don’t mind?” His voice was thick as cough syrup, rough and low and exhausted.

“‘Course I don’t mind. I love you. Why would I want you to leave?” All he got in response was a heavy, comfortable snore. He cracked a grin and pecked Finn on the forehead. "I love you.” he whispered. “And don’t you forget it.”

Poe stretched out, arms behind his head, head tilted back in thought. They'd go back home tomorrow, get some food, drinks, throw themselves a little party. Maybe they'd go to Takodana, take Maz up on the offer of a game of pool. Finn groaned beside him and Poe reached down to massage his stomach. He kept that up until the traffic outside, Finn’s snoring, and the ceiling fan he’d forgotten to turn off all put him to sleep. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally these two idiots are happy and together and not dying.


End file.
